Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘BiPolar Disorder’

One Day to Feel Better-Faster

This week has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks that has tested my understanding in parenting, being a spouse, and being in recovery.

My daughter decided to ‘go off’ this week over a punishment from a choice she made and kicked in our bedroom door while we were gone to retrieve the items taken from her. She verbally threatened her mother and I again. You know what I did? I took my wife and son, looked her in the eye, and said…’Goodbye’. She asked where I thought we were going and I told her we were leaving while she sat there. She told me she was going to destroy the house. I told her to have at it and we left.

I came home and nothing had been done. I looked at the door and looked at her and reminded myself that in 16 months she will be gone. I keep feeling a level of guilt looking at it in this manner, but this week’s past actions confirm why I do it. I can’t wait for the day she turns 18, because that will be the day she is asked to leave.

I never thought it would be like this. Never in a million years. I often wonder what went wrong. It seemed really to kick in when she was 13. I don’t know, I could go crazy over it, and I’m not.
For those who know..We have tried medicine, psychiatry, religion, and so on. She is just hell bent on living her own life, don’t worry, she will.

Work has been up and down. Getting ready for the holiday’s has went well. House is decorated and some shopping done.

I picked up a new guy to sponsor. The other guy I ‘sponsor’ hasn’t called but twice and I think just wants to tell others that he has a sponsor. This new fellow went to a workshop (AA) yesterday on how to work the 12 Steps in one day. I laughed.
There used to be this old way of thinking that this is beneficial. It has been my experience that it is not. I told him that if anything he got some information that will be useful for when we do stepwork but this one day seminar on how to feel better faster just doesn’t work with me. That it is nearly impossible to take someone who has no experience living clean for any length of time and ask them to take a ‘Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory’ as found in Step 4. When I had 2 months clean how searching and fearless do you think I was? I had no clue what a ‘Defect of Character’ or a ‘Shortcoming’ was. I had no intention of making amends and certainly wasn’t going to pray or meditiate. This is just an example, but hopefully you get my point. There is a saying in recovery…’Time takes Time’.

I need to do something positive today other than doing laundry and watching football. I feel like I am spinning my wheels as of late. Truth be told, most of the time I am tired and uninspired which is a bad combination. I feel like I’ve lost something, and I miss it.

I hope this post finds you well.
Bob D.


Sweet 16 Lorna Doone

Today is my daughter’s 16th birthday. I’d like to think I’ve been a good dad. Part of me says yes and other parts of me say no. I remember at the end of my using my wife telling me the same things I resented my father for, I was doing to my children. This has stayed with me; that unless I was the one to break the cycle, that it would continue.

Some of you have read long enough to know my daughter has a ‘mental illness’. I’ve been told she has ADD, ADHD, BiPolar Disorder, Rage Disorder, and Aspergers Syndrome. To be honest with you I don’t know what she has or doesn’t have anymore, maybe she just has a lot of rebellious teen in her. The frightening part is she reminds me of me.

There have been days of complete bliss that I longed would never end with her. There have also been days of complete anger and frustration as I have sat and cried and wondered where my daughter has went. Since she turned 13 it has all been a slow downhill ride with her. We have endured 3 years worth of behavior that should have driven me crazy, but it hasn’t. I haven’t used over it. It has been during these times I believe I have experienced my greatest growth.

Happy Birthday my sweet Lorna, you are still my little girl no matter how big of a pain in the ass you can be!

How do you feel???

Most days I take feeling for granted. There are days that will live in my memories as both extraordinary, difficult, rewarding, desperate, and a multitude of other words that escape me. Rarely do I sit down and ask myself, “How do you feel?”
Maybe I should do it more often. I usually find I am doing better than what I think. It seems my mind and emotions will allow me to believe on any given day that the end of the world is right around the corner. Our literature reminds me that the principles found in the 12 Steps are to help me deal with the pain and confusion of life or everyday living.
The more I think about it, it kind of seems like an odd but true statement. Somewhere in the way my thinking is wired or through learned behavior patterns, life seems to be painful and confusing. Granted it’s not all the time or my perception of things is slowly changing over time.

I had people tell me my whole life I shouldn’t think or feel a certain way about things. How in the hell can I tell someone how to feel? My thoughts, though off base, are simply that. My thoughts. It is when those thoughts and feelings are driven on impulse, on obsession, on compulsion I am in trouble. I haven’t died from any feeling I’ve had, and my thoughts unless acted on are just random bits of nonsense.

When was the last time you asked yourself….How do I feel today?

Today I feel tired and worried. Tired from staying up too late. I took the kids to see Monday Night Raw (WWE) last night. We had fun.
I am worried because the business partner that is supposed to loan me the money I had previously written about, well, is in trouble himself. I don’t know or possible won’t know the story but it has to do with money.
I have to sit down with my bills and look at doing what I should have done in the first place…..Be Responsible.
I will work it out. I just need to sit down and work some numbers.

My wife and I went to our new psychiatrist yesterday. We gave her some background info on our daughter. We have another appointment tomorrow. After an hours worth of questions, the doctor asked us if we had ever heard of Asperger’s Syndrome. I am unfamiliar with it and am just now starting to read on the subject. This new doctor believes that my daughter has been misdiagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and is leaning towards Asperger’s. I have read just a small amount on it and some of the symptoms listed make more sense and fit more than the BiPolar Disorder does. Is anyone reading this familiar with what I am talking about? Your feedback is appreciated.

Work is ok. Sponsee’s are crazy, and so am I.
Just finished writing on Step 12 and realized that I did it. I did what I had committed myself to doing. Working through all 12 Steps as honestly as I could with an NA Sponsor. Reading the Step out of the NA Step Working Guide, the Step itself made more sense and I felt like I got more out of it than I have in a while. I believe I have had a Spiritual Awakening as a result of the steps. I believe my life is transformed. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect, nor will I ever be. What it means is the promise is true. It means that I have found my new way to live, I’m not searching for it anymore.

I am ok with me right now. I am ok in my life. I am so thankful for what I have and what I don’t have, it’s hard to describe to you. If you had met me or known me a few short years ago, you as well as the many that passed through my life, would not have believed this to be possible……..
Sometimes I still don’t.

Today I feel like a Human Being.

Take Care….Bob D.


I’ve listened to “Empire State of Mind” with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. It’s a catchy tune that I just can’t get out of my mind. I’ve been to New York a couple of times. I didn’t really think though that the city made me feel “Brand New” and the lights blinded me and not “Inspire Me”.

I’m not that big a fan of rap. I can listen to it. Some of it is ok, some of it is shit, just as all music is. There are pieces of classical music I can listen to and feel moved, and there are others that are too off tempo and crammed with unintelligible continuity.

I love music. The thing with music that I have learned is that I always associate a memory with a song. Some believe that music, among other things, are triggers for addicted people. If my whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another, then everything is a trigger. I believe certain memories, places, songs, are just stronger than others.

I worked out a deal with a business partner to borrow some money to pay off the credit cards I blogged about previously. I sat down with him and was honest about the situation. It will be easier to pay him one payment than pay on 3 that aren’t going anywhere.

Things at home have calmed down for the time being. I’m not holding my breath over anything. we have been in this pattern before. Things are good for a couple of weeks and we end up right back in the same spots. We have tried to keep my daughter busy, giving her little time for bad decision-making to take over.

My son, whom had sleep problems due to nightmares, seems to be doing ok. He has been more pleasant in going to bed and waking up in the mornings. The last 3 day weekend was difficult but he had stayed the night with a friend on Saturday and I believe they stayed up half that night and slept in Sunday causing him not to be tired and he just wanted to stay up and play video games.

A recovery thought today came at lunch when discussing behavior. One fo the guys I was with felt his behavior was unacceptable, especially because this person was in recovery. I reminded him I was in recovery, and my behavior wasn’t always acceptable, but it also didn’t give me an excuse to do whatever I wanted then blame it on being an addict. You know the accountability factor.

Hope all is well with you.
Take Care…Bob D.

Days of Decisions…

This is for Cory……

I’m glad I can take the time to read a comment that reminds me that all hope is never lost. I don’t live in Dante’s Inferno any longer. Although the feelings haven’t passed, probably because the anger is comfortable, I will use this experience to help someone else.

Pain is a motivating factor in all our lives if one is addicted or not. Mine, it seems, is self-induced based on my poor perceptions and my present reality. I “forget” that I have a choice today. A choice to live or die. It’s not that I am that far removed from anything that I don’t remember, that’s the part that is confusing. This pain is eerily similar. That feeling of hope slipping away day by day. It could be for good reasons. To want to see loved one’s succeed and make good choices. To realize the world and life is so big I could have a 100 lifetimes and not do and see all I would like to do.

I “forget” that the early work has been done. Teaching right from wrong, don’t touch the stove, I want to spare her some pain and in that same token give us some peace and I don’t believe that God would let me have it both ways. Maybe that is what it is. I want to have both and I don’t get to pick.

I want to blame her as a person. I don’t want to go to anymore doctor’s appointments, try new medicines, talk about things anymore. My daughter has made it clear, and I don’t know many teenagers who haven’t, that she does not want to live with us. I have talked with my wife and the next time she walks out the door…..she walks out. I will gather my wife and son up and we will lock up and go to the movies, go to Wallmart, do something. If she is sitting on the step when we return that would be great and if she is not….
There is nothing I can do about it. I can’t control her, I can’t threaten her…if she is going to leave and is gone more than 48 hours all I can do is call the police and file a missing persons report. But I know I can’t put our lives on hold any longer based out of fear that she is going to have one of her “rage moments” based on the fact she is being told something she doesn’t want to hear. For me, this is not a BiPolar Issue, it is a 15 year-old teenage thing that life is going to have to be the teacher on because I have nothing more to teach.

Thanks Cory…..Simple words sometimes provide simple solutions.
Bob D.

Snowboards and Suicide

Anywhere but here……

My head hurts. So much has happened in 3 days it’s like a carnival has come in and set up where my life should be.
Early dismissal on Thursday, no school on Friday so I missed work because my daughter who is 15 cannot take care of herself let alone her 11-year-old brother.
So it snowed and the city shut down like I predicted, it was pretty much a sure bet. So the kids went outside Friday night to make snow angels, or devils based on how you look at it. To play, sled on a small hill. My wife after much insistence thought it would be good for me to go outside with them.
My son has a plastic “Snowboard” if you want to call it that. It is designed to look like a snowboard but it is a piece of plastic with two plastic straps. He seemed to navigate on it just fine which led me to believe because I am older and wiser that I should be able to do the same……wrong.

After I drove my shoulder and right side into the ground, well I thought it was the ground but came to find out it was actually the sidewalk covered in 4 inches of snow, I realized I was not made for this plastic snowboard. It seems that my balance is just not all that. My daughter had a video camera and filmed the event. I was suprised it did not make it on to YouTube. Don’t ask…I’m not putting here.

The weekend went by as it does. My daughter made plans for Saturday as she does. I’m going to spare you the long drawn out details but the end results were the same as I have posted on here before.
Lies, Bad Choices, Her Flipping Out, and this time running out of the house with a pair of sweats, a tee-shirt, and no shoes out into the cold and snow. She ran to her Uncle’s house whom immediately told her to get out. He didn’t want her craziness there. She came home, caused more hell, and of course 2 hours later acted as if nothing was wrong.

I am out of ideas and quite frankly have run out of love for today.

I told my wife this morning that I believe she no longer needs to live with us. I am not sure who she is going to live with but I don’t believe it will be with us longer. I really don’t want to talk anymore about it.

During all of this nonsense my best friend Jeff called to tell me his father committed suicide yesterday.
His father decided to go to his workshop, took his false teeth out and put a gun in his mouth….His mother found him after hearing the shot.

I talked with Jeff for an hour on the phone last night. Listened, cried, and later felt like life was just too much for some, especially Jeff’s dad. It feels like it is too much now for Jeff, for me, for my family. I spoke to my sponsor last night and he said it sounded like this was just more for me to endure now for whatever reason.
I’ve never really disagreed with my sponsor before, but I didn’t like the word endure. I still don’t.

My thoughts are with Jeff’s Mom and his brothers. No one should have to endure this.

Bob D.