This week has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks that has tested my understanding in parenting, being a spouse, and being in recovery.
My daughter decided to ‘go off’ this week over a punishment from a choice she made and kicked in our bedroom door while we were gone to retrieve the items taken from her. She verbally threatened her mother and I again. You know what I did? I took my wife and son, looked her in the eye, and said…’Goodbye’. She asked where I thought we were going and I told her we were leaving while she sat there. She told me she was going to destroy the house. I told her to have at it and we left.
I came home and nothing had been done. I looked at the door and looked at her and reminded myself that in 16 months she will be gone. I keep feeling a level of guilt looking at it in this manner, but this week’s past actions confirm why I do it. I can’t wait for the day she turns 18, because that will be the day she is asked to leave.
I never thought it would be like this. Never in a million years. I often wonder what went wrong. It seemed really to kick in when she was 13. I don’t know, I could go crazy over it, and I’m not.
For those who know..We have tried medicine, psychiatry, religion, and so on. She is just hell bent on living her own life, don’t worry, she will.
Work has been up and down. Getting ready for the holiday’s has went well. House is decorated and some shopping done.
I picked up a new guy to sponsor. The other guy I ‘sponsor’ hasn’t called but twice and I think just wants to tell others that he has a sponsor. This new fellow went to a workshop (AA) yesterday on how to work the 12 Steps in one day. I laughed.
There used to be this old way of thinking that this is beneficial. It has been my experience that it is not. I told him that if anything he got some information that will be useful for when we do stepwork but this one day seminar on how to feel better faster just doesn’t work with me. That it is nearly impossible to take someone who has no experience living clean for any length of time and ask them to take a ‘Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory’ as found in Step 4. When I had 2 months clean how searching and fearless do you think I was? I had no clue what a ‘Defect of Character’ or a ‘Shortcoming’ was. I had no intention of making amends and certainly wasn’t going to pray or meditiate. This is just an example, but hopefully you get my point. There is a saying in recovery…’Time takes Time’.
I need to do something positive today other than doing laundry and watching football. I feel like I am spinning my wheels as of late. Truth be told, most of the time I am tired and uninspired which is a bad combination. I feel like I’ve lost something, and I miss it.
I hope this post finds you well.