Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘Cold Weather’

Can I Play with Madness….

Can I play with madness
The Prophet stared into his crystal ball
Can I play with madness
There’s no vision here at all
Can I play with madness
The Prophet smiled and he laughed at me
Can I play with madness
He said, Your blind, too blind to see…….

I was talking to a guy I sponsor last night who was at the meeting I shared at the other night…

I feel bad.
Sometimes I forget your in recovery too, I call you with this small bullshit and forget your going through things as well.
It’s no big deal, someday you will do the same thing for someone else.

In essence that is really it. Sponsorship being a 2 way street. It helps both the new person and it helps me. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes when the phone rings with certain folks I can only imagine what “Troubles” someone is having. Most of the time they are minimal, it is our perception that distorts them to the point of becoming unreasonable. There are other times events occur that are life changing, painful. There are some events such as the death of a loved one or divorce that there is no amount of Spiritual Awareness that can ease that pain. It seems we can be on the brink of madness or playing with it in the very least. That is when I need the fellowship the most.

It is snowing here again. I am worn out with winter. Living in this snowglobe. Also I haven’t seen the sun it seems like in 2 months, except for a fleeting glimpse here or there.

I saw where Team Canada celebrated the women’s hockey team in grand fashion, with beer and cigars on the ice. More power to them, eh?
I’ll have to tell you about my first trip to Canada when I discovered Molson XXX, too funny.

David has his basketball playoff this weekend. He is looking forward to it as well as the family.

More laundry, Olympics, and MW2 on tap for the weekend. A meeting and some reading. I read last night and have made the decision to go back to some early basics I have been overlooking.

Hopefully we will get pictures of this house from our Aunt this weekend. I kid of dropped a hint around my daughter this morning to feel her out. One of her friends recently moved and she made friends with some girl who just moved here. I told her people move all the time for different reasons…
She looked at me and said, “We aren’t moving to Louisiana, don’t even try it”.
I told her if her Mom and I felt it was best for everyone it is something we would consider. She looked at me and said, “Oh, ok.”
I was shocked.
The last appointment we were at this week, it was suggested for Lorna and I to go to weekly therapy…..to resolve our “Issues”.

I’ll let you know what happens.
Take Care….Bob D.


Listening to Myself…A Good or Bad Idea?

I haven’t written anything since last week. I really haven’t written anything of substance in a while it seems. I spoke with someone last night about self-will, ego, connectivity, and feelings.
All sounds deep doesn’t it? I guess I’m feeling deep right now. All my life I’ve concerned myself with deep issues, things lurking in the dark, fears, dreams, hopes, nightmares.
Sitting here at work and wondering what direction my life is heading in seems like a reoccurring theme. I sat in bed last night and wondered what was going on in Nebraska. None of this will probably make sense to anyone but me and that’s ok. I guess what it boils down to is the same things in my life are happening, I try to resolve them in the same manner, and I am left to question my life, my recovery, and my desire.
I even questioned the literature that helped save my life. It’s not enough I told myself, it’s not giving me the answers I need to hear. The answers are always there, it’s whether my mind is open to receive it.

It’s not been one big event, but several small ones, that have me in this space. My mom left for California for 3 weeks. I found out from a Facebook post courtesy of my sister. No phone call.
My wife melted down on Valentines Day and it continued through last night. I sat on the bed with her as she cried and tried to explain to me how she felt like her mother “abandoned” her because she moved to Louisiana.
My daughter was a bitch all day yesterday.I am just worn out with her. It’s to the point I have a difficult time even being around her. I feel like shit because this is my child! How is this possible? Is it possible to love a child because they are yours and simply hate to be around them because they suck as a person? I found more inappropriate text messages on her phone. Guys asking her to send pictures of herself and her parts to them. I stumbled across an email she sent via MySpace to one of her friends informing her that she had lost her virginity in November. I haven’t told my wife. I can’t. Not right now. I wish I hadn’t came across it. I shouldn’t have looked at her stuff when she was out of the room. Is it better to know or not to know? The other thing is I don’t know if it is even true. She makes no mention of the boy’s name, like she was just playing follow the leader in the email.
I told my sponsor that dealing with her is next to impossible. I want her to see life through my eyes and she can’t. She sees through her eyes and this is where it all comes to a standstill. I believe she is in for a difficult time and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

There is a line in the NA Text that says…Sometimes we feel lousy, and we want to run. I just don’t want to run, I want to take everyone with me. I want to pack everyone up and leave this town. I am tired of Columbus, tired of my kids schools, tired of my wife’s boss being a dick. I am tired of snow and cold weather. I have a whole laundry list of shit I am tired of.
I spoke to my sponsor about some things last night. He told me, “Bob, why don’t you try going about things differently, just try going about them differently”.
Is this “Different” a life change? Maybe. It could be. I know some things are going to have to change in our lives. I am convinced we need to move, not out of a geographical cure, but out of necessity. I can’t see our kids in the area of town, in the schools they are in, with the kids they are around any longer.

I don’t know what all the answers are. I do know I need to find the courage to change the things that I can. I guess it takes some level of courage to look at all of this. I know that if I try to look at all of it or try to change all of it at once, it becomes too overwhelming.

One of the guys I sponsor has checked himself in detox after a lengthy relapse. I have been talking to this guy for 2 weeks about doing something different. Maybe I need to listen to myself every now and then.

Take Care….Bob D.

You know what Snowy-Cold Days are good for??

There is a link on this page to Oxy Watchdog that has an article that ran in this past Sunday’s Columbus Dispatch on the “Epidemic” of pills, prescriptions, pain clinics, and State of Denial that Ohio is in. I read the article at home and found that I have seen these stats before, especially about Southern Ohio. I am more than certain there was a documentary on PBS about the “Southern Triangle” of Ohio, Kentucky, and West Virginia that chronicled the invasion of Oxycontin into those areas. I’ll see if I can find the link.

This is not a new issue. This has been ongoing for almost 10 years. I’m not going to give an Oxy history lesson, or any drug lesson for that matter. I know that there is a severe problem in that area, as well as others, due to a multiple of factors which were outlined in the article. I also know that efforts in the recovery community are ongoing to bring a message of recovery, but with that being said, there are just as many “Pain Management Clinics” as there are meetings if not more. Virtually Anyone can go into one of these clinics and walk out with a script where the 1 pill can bring $80 on the street.

Another round of snow has arrived. I got up fully expecting the kids would be off from school today and as I watched the closings scroll across the screen every school district with the exception of my children’s is closed today. I have no idea why, but my son has launched a formal investigation as well as protest to the matter. He is planning on carrying a sign outside of school that reads…..Conspiracy Victim.
Just kidding….He is pissed though.

My daughter on the other hand wants to be at school. She was in kind of a pissy mood last night and I’m not sure why. Her and her brother at it. Back and forth with sibling nonsense.

I’ve never had to shovel heat. I’ve never scraped wind off my car windshield. I’ve never slipped and fallen on a sidewalk covered in sunshine. So much for the debate about what is good about winter….except I know what cold snowy days are good for……Do You?

Take Care….
Bob D.

I’d Like to hear some E,S,&H on Nonsense

I’ve heard some goofy topics. I’ve heard some serious ones as well. Part of it is not knowing what I need help with. Ever been in a meeting and someone brings up the topic of “Life on Life’s Terms”?
Then as the sharing makes its way to that person they expound upon it and we hear what is really going on.
I was in a meeting last night and the topic of “Isolation” was brought up. This is a legit topic. So the sharing goes around the room and the person who brought up the topic not only gets up and down 100 times, they are texting on a cell phone when they are able to sit down.
So it was taught to me early on if I felt like I needed to bring up a topic to word it as best I could, sit and listen, and not comment on my topic. How is it I can offer myself experience when I am asking for it to begin with? There is a difference in sharing experience, and in sharing just to hear myself talk. If I am in a bad spot I need to just say that.
So I talk a little about isolation, the 2 forms I know today are formed from either fear or apathy. I talked about my experience only.
It came around to the person who brought up the topic who basically said…

“I don’t want to go to meetings or do anything. I know what I’m supposed to do. But don’t know what to do. I have a large social circle but don’t feel social, I don’t know what to do….I Pass”.

Well, I hear both fear and apathy but it’s hard to tell for sure, especially when it is more important to text a bff then it is to listen to what is being said. I mean I could be blabbering nonsense and spin it so it sounds decent.

How about them Saints? Not a fan but the game was good. Our family in Louisiana called to let us know how crazy the state was yesterday, not just New Orléans.

We had a big snow here Friday. Calling for more snow tomorrow into Wednesday. Spring can’t come soon enough.

Take Care.

Jersey Shore Finale & Why I Should Be On Season 2

Well it’s finally come down to the last episode of Jersey Shore. I really don’t know how it is I will get by once the finale is over. I hope that the season is released to DVD, packed with extra’s, bonus footage, “The Punch”, Tanning Secrets, and most of all pictures of how they got Amanda Bynes to look like Snooki.

Not Really……

Of all the “Reality Shows” MTV has spewed out over the years, this by far, has been a lesson in what not to do, and what not to watch. Granted controversy brings ratings. MTV wants an ass every 18 inches, side by side, glued to television sets and the web to soak up these kids as they can. Let’s not forget MTV is out to make money, and money they have made off these folks. But at what cost? Dell, American Family Insurance, and Domino’s pulled their sponsorship after Italian American interest groups were offended by the show. Even with those sponsors gone, the show, the cast, and MTV all still made money. That is the bottom line.

Anyone remember these guys?

The cast from MTV”s The Real World?

This was the first and only successful experiment in “Reality Live Together Shows”. I wonder how they are? What they learned? How much money did they make? They seemed to be able to give the insights I was looking for into different cultures, different lifestyles, and did it all without being offensive to themselves first and the rest of the world as well.

Here is an idea for the title of the second season of Jersey Shore

Wait…..That’s kind of what already has occurred….

How is it a reality show when you out a casting call asking for “Loud, Opinionated, Tan, Young Drunks”?

So I’m trying to figure out how I can submit my portfolio to land this dream gig? I could run around the house naked, make smart ass comments, offend people, offend women, lose my self-esteem but never really lose it because I never had it to start with.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…What did Bob Say?

Alright maybe I’m being to hard on them?!? I mean they are young. So what they need is like a “House Father”. Here is my photo for official submission to the show. Ladies…..This is the “True Situation”.

I really think I’ve got a shot….I do. I could take care of them.

I guess the thing to do would be to ask a New Yorker about Jersey.

Well my friend….It looks like that has already been done.

All jokes aside. These kids will be one upped at some point. All shows are. MTV has a demographic they are appealing to. Some could say I’m just bitter, maybe even jealous. Hell, I’d like to have abs like that (Again?!?) but not at the cost of looking like an idiot on Worldwide Television, and unfortunately that is what MTV has done with these kids. But I wonder who is the bigger idiot….Them or Us?

Take Care.

All Images Property of Google, Inc.

Snowboards and Suicide

Anywhere but here……

My head hurts. So much has happened in 3 days it’s like a carnival has come in and set up where my life should be.
Early dismissal on Thursday, no school on Friday so I missed work because my daughter who is 15 cannot take care of herself let alone her 11-year-old brother.
So it snowed and the city shut down like I predicted, it was pretty much a sure bet. So the kids went outside Friday night to make snow angels, or devils based on how you look at it. To play, sled on a small hill. My wife after much insistence thought it would be good for me to go outside with them.
My son has a plastic “Snowboard” if you want to call it that. It is designed to look like a snowboard but it is a piece of plastic with two plastic straps. He seemed to navigate on it just fine which led me to believe because I am older and wiser that I should be able to do the same……wrong.

After I drove my shoulder and right side into the ground, well I thought it was the ground but came to find out it was actually the sidewalk covered in 4 inches of snow, I realized I was not made for this plastic snowboard. It seems that my balance is just not all that. My daughter had a video camera and filmed the event. I was suprised it did not make it on to YouTube. Don’t ask…I’m not putting here.

The weekend went by as it does. My daughter made plans for Saturday as she does. I’m going to spare you the long drawn out details but the end results were the same as I have posted on here before.
Lies, Bad Choices, Her Flipping Out, and this time running out of the house with a pair of sweats, a tee-shirt, and no shoes out into the cold and snow. She ran to her Uncle’s house whom immediately told her to get out. He didn’t want her craziness there. She came home, caused more hell, and of course 2 hours later acted as if nothing was wrong.

I am out of ideas and quite frankly have run out of love for today.

I told my wife this morning that I believe she no longer needs to live with us. I am not sure who she is going to live with but I don’t believe it will be with us longer. I really don’t want to talk anymore about it.

During all of this nonsense my best friend Jeff called to tell me his father committed suicide yesterday.
His father decided to go to his workshop, took his false teeth out and put a gun in his mouth….His mother found him after hearing the shot.

I talked with Jeff for an hour on the phone last night. Listened, cried, and later felt like life was just too much for some, especially Jeff’s dad. It feels like it is too much now for Jeff, for me, for my family. I spoke to my sponsor last night and he said it sounded like this was just more for me to endure now for whatever reason.
I’ve never really disagreed with my sponsor before, but I didn’t like the word endure. I still don’t.

My thoughts are with Jeff’s Mom and his brothers. No one should have to endure this.

Bob D.

Russian Brides, The Cold, and Money

Hello Bob….It’s Elenna from Siberia again. Travel Agent has set up email for me to you I talk. Mother is unhappiness with me because America I want to come. Am looking for man to stay with instead of rent room. You will like me, I like sex, and am good woman……

This is a sample of the barrage of emails I received on a private account from an alleged “Mystery Woman from Siberia”. I played along for the first couple of emails (Cause I’m Sick) just to see where it would go and it went exactly where I thought it would…..Money. After a long and desperate sob story and a promise of love/sex upon arrival all I needed to do was wire money via Western Union to a location in Russia. Well I looked this scam up on Google and to my surprise found the womans correspondence with several other folks. Pictures, emails, the whole nine yards. It was quite interesting to see how elaborate it all was.

It has been cold here like much of the country. It hasn’t gotten any warmer than 25 during the day (not counting the wind chill) and it has been in the single digits at nights. It has snowed everyday. Not a driving or heavy snow, just enough to get an inch everyday and feel it on your face when I am outside. The wind is the worst. They are calling for 2-5 inches of snow here tomorrow which unfortunately for this stuck in the middle of somewhere Midwest is enough to shut the city down.

Money….It seems that my 2 credit cards that I have used for mad money are over the limit and racking up some kind of fee’s. Chase called me this morning (My statement isn’t due until 1/16) wanting to know when I was sending my payment in. I told the fellow on the other end not until the day it shows due on the statement. To this he replied. “Well the amount is now different”. I told him that’s not my fault. I haven’t charged anything on the card in 3 months in order to pay it down but can’t because they keep charging me for being over 5 fucking dollars. They told me they are not going to penalize me for the next 3 months while I try to get this paid down. I posted several months back I shredded all 3 of my cards and having been paying on them but the damage is already done. I haven’t told my wife because I don’t want to stress her out and I got myself into this mess and I want to be able to get out of it on my own. I can see I am going to have to really buckle down to do so, but I am determined on doing it.

I was reading the 12th Step last night I have a better understanding of what the term “Spiritual Awakening” does and does not mean to me. There are some that would have you believe that it is some plane of existence that few are able to reach or achieve. To me simply, it is what our literature refers to as an active change in our thoughts and actions. It doesn’t mean my motives are constantly pure or I don’t screw up because I do. It means that I continue to put in the effort in all areas of my life, just not try to look like a Spiritual God in meetings or talk down to people. I’m no different from when I walked in the door of NA 4 plus years ago to a degree. I am still a recovering addict trying my best to live life, no more-no less.

It has been extremely busy at work with deadlines and commitments.
My son was able to go to bed and stay in bed last night with little to no problems and was pretty easy-going this morning. He had a field trip today and I was packing his lunch I thought of another day of ups and downs. When I got to work I was riding the elevator and closed my eyes, asking God as I understand God to be for a little help this day. It can’t hurt anything, can it?

Take Care….Bob D.