Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘Fear’

Running from Fear or Towards It

“I am giving her the key back”, I said this morning. I hadn’t thought about it much, just enough to be worried sick. I heard something though that made sense and during my morning ritual of toilet warming it became clear….

I need to stop running away from fear and run towards it.

In my mind I am punishing my daughter for events yet to happen. Addicted to certainty and suffering from chronic projection has placed me in the habit of wanting to stop things before they happen. I can’t do it anymore, I need to deal with things as they happen, so I gave her the house-key back. I set a couple of rules and told her not to blow it. I made it clear if the rules weren’t followed she would be the only 15 year-old with a hired babysitter to watch her after school until a parent got home.

We had several new people at the meeting last night. We read Chapter 1, “Who is an Addict”. I remember reading this chapter once a day for the first 30 days I was clean. We also talked a little about sponsorship. I reviewed the 2nd Step with a guy I sponsor last night.

In reviewing Steps it allows my own perspective on the step to become more clear. It allows me to look back and see my own personal growth. It has been over 3 years since I wrote on the step. Looking back over what I wrote the 1st time may be confusing because I didn’t make any sense, hell I can barely read what I wrote! It allowed me to realize how subconsciously I work steps. We talked how insanity can come in many forms today without using drugs. How it can form in relationships, money, food, and sex. I try to let my guys know that these are things common to all recovering addicts.

I read a posting about Corey Haim. Corey Feldman said he died “Broke and Alone”. That he had been to a new therapist and was on several new “prescriptions” to deal with his “issues”. Interesting why and how it is we are always seeking medication to cure our ultimate problem…Ourselves.
Not having any personal insight into Mr. Haim other than what I have read I try not to be judgemental, but there is a reoccurring theme here with him and other former child stars….They die…broke and alone.

I looked through our local paper and an apartment finder book that I picked up and it was discouraging. Either the places were in shit neighborhoods or they were in expensive areas that were out of my price range. I get it was only the first week, but still, it sucked. I looked at our area map and am convinced that if we don’t move south that we will need to move out of the city. I may have to go and get some local papers because I don’t think ours will cover the areas I want to look in.

 We went bowling on Saturday. It rained the entire day. We looked for something at the theaters but I wasn’t in the mood for another Tim Burton “The world is backwards” movie. We had fun. It had been a long time since we went bowling. David had an extremely good time. He is funny.

I hope you all enjoy your day.
Take Care….Bob D.