Dateline Columbus, Ohio
Bob Lee: Associated Dork Writer
After the latest outbreak of SJS, officials at OSU have determined we have moved to a Level 5 outbreak. “This has moved past LSPS which we saw a few years ago”, Dr. Purell commented.
LSPS or Lettered Sweat Pants Syndrome as it is known caused near mass hysteria when 30-37 year-olds began a reverse aging trend by wearing clothing with the letters like, “JUICY”, or “CUTE” on them causing dehydration to the male population by excess vomiting.
This latest outbreak, however, has crossed gender lines.
SJS, or Skinny Jean Syndrome is causing loss of blood to lower extremities rendering some women incapacitated and males to become sterile. Below is an illustration of a female subject after she was placed back to a vertical base after collapsing within just 10 minutes of wear….
“It was a miracle she still has both her legs”, Dr. Purell said. “If it hadn’t been for a few quick thinking pedestrians I’m not sure what the outcome would have been”.
As tragedy often does, strike twice, we found this gentleman leaving the hospital after just learning he is now sterile due to SJS. Obviously in denial, he declined any comment.
“Action must be taken and taken swiftly”, officials commented. “There is now a public outcry for retail stores to open back up their “Husky” sections and allow these folks to breathe”.
Tomorrow in Part II of our series we will discuss Soap Poisoning in the Midwest, as children’s rights activists call for the end of “Washing the Mouth Out with Soap” as a form of corporal punishment.
Until then…..Sleep Well America.