Over the course of the past 2 weeks some things have come to my attention. The plans my daughter made in moving back to Ohio I don’t believe were any real plans at all. She isn’t staying who we thought she would be staying with. She has made no effort really to contact the person with whom she had a job lined up with, and she is staying now with a relative I would prefer her not to be around.
She also posted she is gay.
I have a ton of thoughts going through my mind. I find it hard to concentrate at any given time of the day. It’s not the gay part that bothers me, it’s more the fact that I really don’t believe it.
It’s not a denial disbelief, it’s I know my daughter. If you have read any of my posts you will be able to interpret that she truly is the child of an addict. She has her own set of issues to deal with that have nothing to do with using, as we addicts all do after the drugs have been removed.
I believe that she is searching. I believe she is trying to find herself. I am trying to understand the path she is taking and it is for her to discover, but I also know her ability to make consistently good decisions is nonexistent.
If this is truly what she wants, if this is truly what will make her happy than I will support her. I just feel at no time during the time she has been alive has there been one thing that would lead me or her mother to believe that this is her lifestyle choice. It has been a total surprise and shock to our family. I have racked my brain trying to get my mind around this one, but for me it is just another long twist in an ever strange and bumpy road with my daughter.
When she calls I continue to ask if she is ok. I ask if she is looking for work. or if she has been to see old friends and family. We constantly get…’I called so and so’ or ‘I will do it tomorrow’. My fear is that this relative she is staying with is caught up in some shady dealings including prescription fraud and welfare fraud. I am afraid she is going to get caught up in this nonsense and I have voiced my opinion to her only to have her tell me she knows what’s going on and isn’t a part of it.
I was looking through the local directory of meetings online and I see where the Wednesday Night meeting that I went to when I first arrived has been changed to a Text Discussion meeting. What stood out is that it is a 3rd Edition Text Meeting.
I know what has happened here. There is a fellow with substantial clean time in our area who is disenfranchised with the fellowship and has manipulated the group into this extension of his ego.
Some meetings have been cut and due to geography I have decided to switch fellowships and go to AA.
I talked about this at length after my arrival here and finding that meetings were virtually nonexistent and being manipulated by one or two people for their own benefit. I cannot be apart of this and I do not feel I can or should take on a struggle to change something, that in time, will extinguish itself. Our literature reminds me that the self-seekers will ‘Be on the outside looking in’.
I am going to talk to my wife about it this evening.
I hope this post finds you well.