Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘Insecure’

The Closet Close to Home….


Over the course of the past 2 weeks some things have come to my attention. The plans my daughter made in moving back to Ohio I don’t believe were any real plans at all. She isn’t staying who we thought she would be staying with. She has made no effort really to contact the person with whom she had a job lined up with, and she is staying now with a relative I would prefer her not to be around.

She also posted she is gay.

I have a ton of thoughts going through my mind. I find it hard to concentrate at any given time of the day. It’s not the gay part that bothers me, it’s more the fact that I really don’t believe it.

It’s not a denial disbelief, it’s I know my daughter. If you have read any of my posts you will be able to interpret that she truly is the child of an addict. She has her own set of issues to deal with that have nothing to do with using, as we addicts all do after the drugs have been removed.

I believe that she is searching. I believe she is trying to find herself. I am trying to understand the path she is taking and it is for her to discover, but I also know her ability to make consistently good decisions is nonexistent.

If this is truly what she wants, if this is truly what will make her happy than I will support her. I just feel at no time during the time she has been alive has there been one thing that would lead me or her mother to believe that this is her lifestyle choice. It has been a total surprise and shock to our family. I have racked my brain trying to get my mind around this one, but for me it is just another long twist in an ever strange and bumpy road with my daughter.

When she calls I continue to ask if she is ok. I ask if she is looking for work. or if she has been to see old friends and family. We constantly get…’I called so and so’ or ‘I will do it tomorrow’. My fear is that this relative she is staying with is caught up in some shady dealings including prescription fraud and welfare fraud. I am afraid she is going to get caught up in this nonsense and I have voiced my opinion to her only to have her tell me she knows what’s going on and isn’t a part of it.

I was looking through the local directory of meetings online and I see where the Wednesday Night meeting that I went to when I first arrived has been changed to a Text Discussion meeting. What stood out is that it is a 3rd Edition Text Meeting.
I know what has happened here. There is a fellow with substantial clean time in our area who is disenfranchised with the fellowship and has manipulated the group into this extension of his ego.
Some meetings have been cut and due to geography I have decided to switch fellowships and go to AA.

I talked about this at length after my arrival here and finding that meetings were virtually nonexistent and being manipulated by one or two people for their own benefit. I cannot be apart of this and I do not feel I can or should take on a struggle to change something, that in time, will extinguish itself. Our literature reminds me that the self-seekers will ‘Be on the outside looking in’.

I am going to talk to my wife about it this evening.

I hope this post finds you well.
Take Care,
Bob D.

 

Things I Didn’t Say…..


This word has come up in more than 1 conversation as of late. It has come from my wife, my mother-in-law, and myself. My wife told me the other night after a series of family events, that she, is miserable.

I looked at her and asked what she wanted to do.
I’ve done that now for the last 6 years.
Asked what she has wanted.

After we moved I made a confession here and to others in private that part of the reason I moved our family half-way across country was done partly out of guilt.
Guilt for what I had put my wife through while in active addiction. That I felt that I had owed it to her, to be near her family, to find some level of happiness for her that I simply hadn’t been providing.

She told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted, that doubt had begun to fill her mind. I simply blurted out…’We could go back to Ohio’.

She said that would kill her mother, if we left now.

I wanted to say……

It’s already killed me.

I didn’t.

I should have.

I laid down that night in more pain than I have in a long time. Regret for things I didn’t say.

The next evening we had a talk. I asked my wife if she was still miserable….She said, ‘Not as much’.
I told her I couldn’t stand for her to be this upset. We then did something we hadn’t done before, we walked and talked through the series of events that led to our decision to move.

I don’t know if it made me feel any better, but if anything we talked about us. We talked about how we felt. We talked about the kids and our concerns. It’s funny when going over events how our perceptions can change or be revealed. I still harbor doubts, I still am holding onto some resentments, but I am still here.

My life has changed. I have changed. Some of it for the better and some of it not.
I am disappointed in myself these days. I am disappointed in our set of circumstances and the way we are treated by others here. We have family here that seemingly aren’t that concerned about us any longer, and I think that’s what hurts the most. To know I left behind my mom, my day, sisters and brothers to have other family members treat us like we were the gum off the bottom of their shoes is demoralizing. It is and has been spiritual paralyzing.

I try to find the bright spots, the positives in any given day but they are few and far between. I take comfort in the fact that I am still clean, my wife and I are closer than ever and my daughters graduation from High School is right around the corner.

We ordered her ring and her cap & gown this past weekend. We are waiting for her ACT scores to come back and she has mentioned going back to Ohio after graduation. I think this would be a good move for her. Employment opportunities here are very limited and I really don’t see her staying. I don’t want her to, it’s time for her to begin her life.

My son is doing fair. He is caught between 13 going on 14. Still wants to hang onto mom but be on his own a bit more. He struggles with school. His laugh is infectious. He is my rock.

I live day to day…moment to moment as we all do. I am humbled today. I am fearful.

I am still here.
Take Care,
Bob D.

Shadows and Light


The past couple of nights I have been restless…unable to sleep, or at least fall into a deep sleep….So I get out of bed and walk….

I walk through the house to the back door and switch on the back porch light. For a brief moment I see it…a shadow moving across the lawn…just for a moment I see the silhouette of a figure…not of an animal. My throat closes thight…My breathing becomes labored…my heart races…as if death has crossed my door and brushed by my side again. I am frightened…literally scared to death to open the door, but I do, and the shadow is gone.

It has happened 2 nights in the last week and I believe it to be a sign. Afterall, there are those who believe to be comforted, and others who are comforted to believe…….

The above is true. I believe it to be a sign from my Higher Power. Trying to reach me, trying to talk to me. Telling me I am heading down a dangerous path from which there is no coming back from. I can continue to use excuses, I can try to justify my rationale and at the end of the day I will be left with nothing more than I put into it.
I have to get back on my program. I can’t sit here anymore and try to counsel myself. Be it AA, NA, or a combination of both I can’t do this by myself on willpower, exhaustion, and willpower. The truth be told I have been operating on willpower way too long, like it’s a contest to test my own resolve, my own desire and I am at my breaking point. I know it will only be a matter of time before I use if I don’t do something.

I have to work today until 10pm so I will find a meeting to go to tomorrow night. I have to, I have to find a schedule, a balance, and re-learn what I have already forgotten. The NA Text reminds me that ‘I must use what I have or lose it’. I have lost some things already…I’ve lost my passion.

When there are shadows present in life there must be light to cast the shadow. I have to find my way back to the light…The shadows are too scary today.

Take Care,
Bob D.

One Day to Feel Better-Faster


This week has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks that has tested my understanding in parenting, being a spouse, and being in recovery.

My daughter decided to ‘go off’ this week over a punishment from a choice she made and kicked in our bedroom door while we were gone to retrieve the items taken from her. She verbally threatened her mother and I again. You know what I did? I took my wife and son, looked her in the eye, and said…’Goodbye’. She asked where I thought we were going and I told her we were leaving while she sat there. She told me she was going to destroy the house. I told her to have at it and we left.

I came home and nothing had been done. I looked at the door and looked at her and reminded myself that in 16 months she will be gone. I keep feeling a level of guilt looking at it in this manner, but this week’s past actions confirm why I do it. I can’t wait for the day she turns 18, because that will be the day she is asked to leave.

I never thought it would be like this. Never in a million years. I often wonder what went wrong. It seemed really to kick in when she was 13. I don’t know, I could go crazy over it, and I’m not.
For those who know..We have tried medicine, psychiatry, religion, and so on. She is just hell bent on living her own life, don’t worry, she will.

Work has been up and down. Getting ready for the holiday’s has went well. House is decorated and some shopping done.

I picked up a new guy to sponsor. The other guy I ‘sponsor’ hasn’t called but twice and I think just wants to tell others that he has a sponsor. This new fellow went to a workshop (AA) yesterday on how to work the 12 Steps in one day. I laughed.
There used to be this old way of thinking that this is beneficial. It has been my experience that it is not. I told him that if anything he got some information that will be useful for when we do stepwork but this one day seminar on how to feel better faster just doesn’t work with me. That it is nearly impossible to take someone who has no experience living clean for any length of time and ask them to take a ‘Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory’ as found in Step 4. When I had 2 months clean how searching and fearless do you think I was? I had no clue what a ‘Defect of Character’ or a ‘Shortcoming’ was. I had no intention of making amends and certainly wasn’t going to pray or meditiate. This is just an example, but hopefully you get my point. There is a saying in recovery…’Time takes Time’.

I need to do something positive today other than doing laundry and watching football. I feel like I am spinning my wheels as of late. Truth be told, most of the time I am tired and uninspired which is a bad combination. I feel like I’ve lost something, and I miss it.

I hope this post finds you well.
Bob D.

If Your Under 25…This is for you….


It started either with the disposable camera or diaper, I’m not sure which, that sparked off this generation. You know Gen X, Gen Y, now it’s what I call the ‘Disposable Generation’. Anything can be replaced once it’s used up….Jobs, Living Arrangements, Boyfriends/Girlfriends, Friends, and Family. Once it’s served it’s purpose, it’s no longer needed, and tossed to the side like expired cell phone minutes. Twitter, Facebook, and Texting have taken the place of Hello, How are you, and Have a Nice Day.

My daughter is in this generation. I am disposable. So is her mother. Most of her friends have been. So have boys. It’s not that anything has changed, except me maybe, I guess I find some comfort in looking at it this way. Already a know manipulator and liar, loud and rude, and of course general know it all, this outlook has solidified what her mother and I know to be true. When you are 18, it is time for you to go.

It’s not that anything major has happened again. It is the daily grind of living with her that is wearing us down. When an argument can erupt over a glass of milk you know it’s bad. Her behavior is starting to show in our 12-year-old son, whom has been a shining example through all of her difficulties. His mouth has started to kick in, because he see’s her do it and thinks it is acceptable. See, she can be vicious with her mouth. Say things that just come through her head without regard for anyone’s feelings. There is no couth, no tact, no respect. Not just to us, but to anyone. She feels this is ‘honesty’ and people just need to deal with her the way she is. The sense of entitlement is overwhelming.

I’ve spoken to other parents. It’s not just us. There are others out there that go through or are going through the same thing. I thought we were doing a decent job at parenting. I thought we were ‘Hip Parents’. I wonder what brought this on? Did we spoil here? Cater to her too much? Is it society or subliminal messages sent through Barney or The Wiggles? I’m sure I could blame music, movies, MTV, Rap, and a slew of other outside sources but is that really it, or is it what they see in the world. Does the world really look so fucked up to them that this is their answer?

Most of the ‘songs’ my daughter listens to usually includes the lines ‘Everything we been through or All we goin’ through’. When you are 15, 16, 19, 23…How much have you really went through? I am sure some have endured a tremendous amount, but we aren’t talking about the minority here. It’s like having sex at 15 and the girl breaking up with me. I thought the end of the world had come, not realizing every woman on the planet earth was capable of doing to me what that girl did in the back of a car.

Is it immaturity or lack of sense? I don’t have the answers but I know this, we have 17 months left with her. 17 months and although I Love her, it will be time to go. My wife has agreed. When you have your diploma, and you have turned 18, your time with us is done. I told her this the other night. I told her you need to make sure you have your plans straight, that you do what you need to do. You can do anything in the world that you want to do, you just aren’t going to do it here living with us.

Thanksgiving is next week. It will be difficult not seeing my Mom or Dad. I will call them. I hope all of you have a safe and enjoyable Holiday with your family, loved ones, and friends.

My brother-in-law called last night. He wants to come down after Christmas with his wife and 3 or 4 kids. We don’t have the room to put them all up. But if they want to come, I guess come and we can go from there.

Inventory at work came out at 1.5% loss for the year which is acceptable for 1.5 million in sales.

I’m still here. Plodding along in spite of myself sometimes. I’d like to thank Nora, Elz, and Peg for their continuing support and love. Even the days I am hardest on myself I understand that my life today has so much more purpose and meaning than to waste it on drugs. I have come too far. December 19th I will have 5 years clean. This has been by far the toughest year with the most challenges. But it has taught me that my resolve is firm, my faith is intact, and that I am a capable person. That I am stronger than what I think, that I can achieve goals, and that recovery, today, is possible.

If not one thing I said made sense, it’s ok. Sometimes I just need to vent…If your over 25 that is for you……

Take Care.

Bob D.

There’s No Litigation in the Cemetery…


Most of the time I don’t think about dying….Until recently.

Ask yourself this question……
Am I sure?

Am I sure of what happens? Do I just close my eyes and that’s it?
Maybe some residual electric sparks in the neurons of the brain cause the ‘White Light’ effect? Maybe I just drift off to a sleep and dream through infinity? Am I really expected to believe that I will arrive at a gate for admission into ‘Heaven’?
Is there a physical place such as a Heaven or Hell or is that what we create here on earth with the time we are given?
Am I willing to roll the dice and gamble that I know I am right? I mean I won’t have a lawyer with me to argue my case when I die. I don’t think litigation is allowed in the cemetery.

Just some questions I have pondered the last few days. I really don’t have any answers for you, maybe I’m looking for them myself. I think it’s kind of arrogant of me to presume that I am here for the time I am given only to close my eyes and that’s it.

Life over the past week has pretty much sucked. I don’t know any other way to put it. The kids have been terrible, work has been a pain in the ass, and my wife is going through her own doubts and fears. The only thing I hold onto is that I know this is temporary. I keep telling myself something will change, I just don’t know what or when.

I keep pushing on. I’d like to write more, but my mood is completely sour and I just don’t have it in me right now. I just wanted to check in and say hello.

Take Care.
Bob D.

beLIEve


Something happened this week I have been hesitant to post about….but I will.

We went over to our relatives on Tuesday. My son went out to play with friends and my daughter said she was going for a walk. Not 15 minutes later she comes in the door in tears. She goes to a back bedroom and shuts the door. I go back to check on her because she is so visibly upset. She tells me she can’t tell me what happened because she is scared.

After assuring her it would be ok she tells me that a relative who lives in the neighborhood touched her inappropriately. My world stopped turning…..

This relative had been sitting with us less than 20 minutes prior to this talking and laughing. I think a little info maybe necessary to put things into light. I like this person. I respect him. I feel he is good-hearted. I trust him. He has been nothing but good to our family, our kids. His wife is an angel. The thing is he is a poker. When I say poker I mean he will poke you in the ribs, grab your shoulders, pull your hair teasingly, all of this to the point of irritation. I am sure you may know someone like this. He will also stand in front of doorways as to not let anyone pass as he does this.

My daughter said she walked up on this porch and he grabbed her IPod. Then he began poking on her and blocked the door. That he pinched her stomach and then ‘Attempted to put his hand down her shorts’. I called my wife into the room and we sat and listened and talked with her. My stomach turned as my anger raised not quite sure what to believe and not to believe.

Now before anyone jumps to judgement, for those of you who read my blog you will know my daughter has her own set of emotional problems, has caused great hurt with lies, and does not like the fact we moved here. Deciphering all of this and trying to make sense out of it I knew that if I jumped the gun in either direction that it could be disastrous.

I asked my wife…..’What do you believe?’

We left and went home. My wife and I discussed this well into the night. I talked to my HP about it. I thought about it the next day at work. When I arrived home my wife and I made a final decision on this. This is what I believe….

Whatever my daughter thought happened to her was real. I don’t think anything inappropriate happened. I think that this relative did his poke and prod routine on her, which she can’t stand to be touched like that anyway, and blocked the door she began to freak out. She thought something was going to happen. I told my daughter that if she wanted to confront this person with the authorities that her mother and I would stand side by side with her. To this she said no, that she never wanted to go back to their house. I told her that if she was going to make that type of accusation, that she would have to face him at some point. She said no.

We have tried to let this die down. To see how my daughter acts. She has acted normally since. I truly believe that this person did not do anything wrong, and I believe my daughter thought something was wrong. Then my wife brought up an interesting question….

‘You don’t think she would make something like this up in an attempt to get us to leave do you’?

Bob D.