I usually look forward to lunch as my friend Cory reminded me yesterday. I usually go with the 2 guys from our IT Department. It’s not that we have similar tastes. One of the fellows got me to try a vegan burger a while back which I just couldn’t understand. We have our usual rounds of places we go. Tip Top, Brioso, Deli Boys, to name a few. I’ve sat by the Mayor and I’ve sat by regular working folks. The places aren’t high brow, we just like good food, and have a fun hour.
We went to a place called Barleys on Wednesday. I had not been there before, but I’ve been to places like it. The centerpiece is a bar. Sitting in a restaurant with a bar doesn’t usually bother me, it did early on. I at one time had resigned myself to the fact I would probably never eat anyplace but a Bob Evans or a Cracker Barrell.
We sat down with another friend we had invited and the first thing they said is, “I wish we could have a drink”. Now 2 of the guys know I am in recovery, and it shouldn’t affect their lives, they aren’t the ones in recovery. I am the one who is. My eyes and mind slowly would drift between the menu and the bar, the menu and the bar. I caught myself and tried to concentrate. The woman who went with us read off the drink menu. I knew she wasn’t going to order anything but to listen to her was annoying. I should have said something, and I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the stick in the mud.
Needless to say lunch was a chore not something I enjoyed. The food tasted ok, and I was going to bash the place to take my frustrations out on it instead of looking at my part in things, but my phone was ringing off the hook. That’s probably a good thing. We finished up and I was less than thrilled in being there. It just sucked. I could literally see myself sitting at that bar the rest of the afternoon……drinking. Being in the right place, with the right people, searching for the right feeling to make it all seem ok. I know this is a lie.
Neon and nylons as they are called by some…..chasing something I can’t have, or I could but I know what the result will be.
The afternoon filled itself with busy work, phone calls, and emails. It has went by painfully slow.
I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and there is a guy next door from the YMCA standing in the alley rolling a joint. I stood and watched. Just stood there. Obsession has kicked in and I am wondering what else he has in his pockets.
I am now angry with myself. I have a headache and my head hurts. I tell myself I don’t want to go to a meeting tonight. I am supposed to review a step with a guy I sponsor beforehand. I want to blow him off, tell him i don’t feel well. I want to look for excuses to isolate and I know that doesn’t work and it’s the worst thing in the world to do. I try to convince myself I am too tired and cold.
I then wish that a powerful wind would blow down the alley between the 2 buildings and blow his dope away. I see him scattering to pick up whatever it is he is trying to smoke and I giggle to myself. He is oblivious to my daydream, which would be his nightmare. I come inside and stare at the clock and the day is almost over.
I will be at the meeting tonight. I will meet with this fellow I sponsor and review his Step. I will move on in spite of how I feel. I have been here before and although I don’t like it, I know it’s not a necessity to stay here…..
Take Care….Bob D.