Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘Moving’

There is Always a Price To Pay….


My wife has been in a state of mess as of late. It kinda boiled over last night. Sitting in the car, talking, anything I said to try to cheer her up or put a positive spin on things was shot down. The reality of where we are in things is catching up with her. The lack of work, or of decent pay. The family not treating her as she thought they might. The kids, especially my daughter, who refuses to let go of Ohio. She is now wearing old school t-shirts to her new high school so that other kids will look at her as if she has 2 heads. She refuses to wear her new school colors. All of this and of course, me.

I told my wife about the credit cards I had. To my surprise she wasn’t as angry as I thought she would be. A tremendous sense of relief has been brought to me only to realize my comfort has brought her misery. There is always a price to pay….How much is the question.

She never really questioned me about anything, but the disappointment was there. I have since taken steps and contacted the companies and made payment arrangements. I pleaded hardship with them and due to my change of address being now out-of-state they agreed.

I lied to my sponsor the other day over the phone. I don’t know why. It was about meetings, more in general my lack of attendance. I haven’t been to a meeting now in 3 weeks I think. Now before everyone gets in an uproar, especially me, I’m ok for right now. I have made a decision that I need to find a larger support network. I’m just not finding it in NA here. My plan is to attend AA and go to 1 NA meeting a week for support of others. I haven’t made this decision lightly. I know I need to do something, and I believe it involves a total rework of my thinking about fellowships.

Work continues to be long and hard. The kids other than the obvious seem to be ok.
LAst night was the first time I almost said something to my wife about doubting our decision to move. I wanted to ask her if she thought we made the right choice. Somehow it doesn’t seem important today, after all, we are here now. We knew we had to do something…and there is always a price to pay….I just hope the cost isn’t that high here.

Please remember to donate to MDA this weekend. Most of you know I am a huge supporter of Jerry Lewis and the MDA Telethon. Please make a donation. We need only one dollar more than last year.

Take Care….
Bob D.

Signing Off for A While……


Today is my last day at work and the emotions are already high. I’m taken back to the point that I really don’t know how to handle it with all the good-bye’s and such. It’s dawned on me again and again how many people here I know, I Love, and I will miss. This is more difficult than I imagined simply for the fact that I have the ability to feel. This is a Spiritual Awakening of a different level.

We take that for granted, you know? That ability to feel, to love, to communicate. I once wrote that it was our ability to talk, to express in language both spoken and unspoken that separates us from the animal world. Animals do communicate, but the human animal communicates with a different type of emotion, a different capacity of emotion I believe. The capacity to feel today is a great gift.

I am signing off for a while. I simply won’t have time to get all that needs done before the move if I am here constantly writing. I am putting some things on hold, like this blog, to concentrate on getting the family moved so I will see you all in a few weeks. For those of you whom have been dedicated readers…Thanks.

My next post will be from Louisiana, and a new chapter will have begun.

All of you are in my thoughts.

Take Care….Bob D.

Packing and Thinking


Packing has given me time to think. It’s funny going thru things. I come across items that I don’t give much thought to. Like the A&W Root Beer bottle cap I found on a shelf last night. My son loves root beer. He always has. His favorite of course is A&W but will even drink the cheap stuff found at Wallgreens or CVS. My funny little man.

I found a ring. It was a Mac Tools ring like a salesman would receive for selling a lot of tools. Now I don’t work there, never have. So I ask my wife. She tells me she found it and kept it which I believe. It only solidifies what I have known all along, my wife keeps too much junk.

I found pictures of my daughter from when she was a baby. I wonder where all the time has went? She still acts like a baby but is taller than me. It was a picture of her sleeping on my chest on the couch. How I long for those days at times. When all seemed right in the world. Time has a funny way of catching up to me during moments like this.

I packed for 2 hours last night while our nosy neighbor stood and gossiped with my wife. She means well but is just a busy-body. She has OCD when it comes to dust which I have plenty of. She talked about everyone and I am sure she will talk about us when we are gone.

I have 3 days left at work. People keep telling me they don’t want me to go, or what will the agency do without me. It would be easy to fall into a pit of self-centered ego over this but I have remained humble. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded here. It has given me a chance to grow both professionally and personally. I am very fortunate to have found this company when I did. I believe working here has given me the confidence to work in any environment.

There are some letters I need to write to some co-workers to leave for after I am gone. Just a few. There are some really special people here whom I will miss dearly. I told myself I wouldn’t get caught up emotionally over it but I am. That’s ok.

I read my friend Peg’s blog today and it has stuck with me all day. She is having a rough time with her daughter Hayley. Keep them in your thoughts please.

Take Care,
Bob D.

Basements and Gravy


I think I mentioned that I made contact with NA in the new town I will be moving to. It is a small group and most seemed to be ordered there by the drug courts. The state of Louisiana doesn’t play with drug offenders.
If you are caught with an empty prescription bottle that doesn’t have your name on it is a Class 5 felony. Right before we left there was legislation pending that if you are convicted of a drug offense that your driver’s license is stamped “Drug Offender” and has to be kept that way for 8 years. Very interesting.

I am on another site that links recovering people from around the country and “met” a guy who lives in this town. Just my luck he is a person whom on one hand “Thanks the Fellowship that saved his life” but on the other “Bashes the structure and decisions of the Fellowship”. Basically he is a person whom has resentments about events and won’t let them go. He has been clean for 17 years and feels no one in the area can possibly understand his level of “Recovery”. This is just what I didn’t need, I’m just being honest.

In fact I can’t stand this type of person. How in the fuck are you going to say you love NA and then complain about every part of it? I’m not saying that I conform or agree with every aspect of recovery but I am not going to sit and name names, quote figures, run down literature, and basically trash a fellowship who welcomed me with open arms and only wanted to help me. It seems armed with clean time, a resentment, and some information that this person has been able to drive people away from the very group that kept its doors open for him. I came to NA in desperation and all the wanted to do was help.

Whew….That’s off my chest.

I spent the evening helping my wife re-inventory her ‘Barbie’ collection. She is trying to sell it before we leave. I don’t think it is going to happen. She has over 200 dolls that have been in storage and I think they are worth maybe $2,500-$5,000. We need to sell them because I found out her car needs repaired which is $1,300 and truck rental will be about $1,000 as well as finishing my dental work before we go is $500. This is more money than I can lay out all at once. I know we are going to have a yards sale but I don’t think anything we have to sell will get this kind of money together.

A friend of mine got her 5 year coin last night. I texted her and told her congrats. We ended up going out to dinner for my daughter’s birthday. My son acted like a punk due to the attention she was getting. He was pissed because she already had a party and now he feels he should get 3 or 4 parties himself.

Ahh so much to do!! I need to start packing this weekend. I am going to start in the worse area first, the basement!!! Uhh…I figure if I tackle it first everything else will be gravy.

Until Monday….Have a great weekend!

Good-Bye’s are Catching Up with Me and a Leap of Faith to Keep Me Moving


I’ve been thanking people, calling people, and saying good-bye for the last 2 days and I haven’t even left! People keep coming up to me, asking me why I am leaving, where we are going, what I will be doing and I keep saying the same things over and over. It’s starting to catch up with me.
I had breakfast this morning with a business contact whom I respect very much. He is an older gentleman and a Vietnam Veteran. He listened to my schtick and i asked him how he was….

He told me, ‘Bob I’m dealing with skin cancer’.
You never said anything about this before Jim.
It’s been going on for a year now.
Why didn’t you say anything?
He just smiled and nodded his head at me. He told me he has a claim in with the VA over Agent Orange, that he was a point man in Nam’. He says he doesn’t blame the government, that he shouldn’t have been walking around in the shit in the first place.

We talked about life and how sometimes you just have to make a leap of faith. I saw that same phrase on a billboard today and I have said it a 100 times myself over the last week.

We are taught from an early age to ‘make plans for the future’. When does the future become the present? What about today? What about my life in the here and now? Don’t I deserve to take a risk? Some folks are calling me crazy or stupid. Why would you want to give up all you have built up here?

Jim told me that God puts us where we are supposed to be. I don’t know about all that but it sounded good, it comforted me. That’s what it’s really about isn’t it? A little comfort?
I believe I deserve to take a chance if the reasons are right, maybe I am crazy, but at least i will have given it a try.

After I said good-bye to Jim I was riding down Broad Street into downtown and it hit me. I have made a lot of friends here, both personal and professional friends. I am respected in my community. I am trustworthy and my employer thinks I am great. I thought about Jim and Nick. I thought about my sponsor and my neighbor and the reality of saying good-bye to these folks started to make me emotional.
It dawned on me the reason it stings is that I care today. In the past people came and went in my life and it never really bothered me, it didn’t bother me because I didn’t care. This has been one of those spiritual awakenings we talk about in recovery.
I haven’t been feeling connected lately, due to my part in things, and this feeling let me know I’m still connected, I’m just not putting in the work I should. I need this program, this faith to keep me moving before the good-bye’s of life catch up with me.

Take Care….Bob D.

When I Change the Way I Look at Things…


When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change.

First and foremost a picture from the trip….

This was taken at Black Lake Bayou National Park.

I have so much to tell all of you I really don’t know where to begin. The trip down was smooth and we arrived intact. The trip had many ups and downs. Our family was happy to see us and we had plenty of laughs, there were however, some tears.
On Easter Sunday I received a call from our neighbor at 6:45 am informing me that our house was broken into. To make a long and painful story short I came to find out from the police that one of the suspects was the 18-year-old man w/child that my daughter had been wanting to date. He was caught but subsequently released because he was caught outside of our home and the evidence techs could not find any of his fingerprints because he wore gloves. 2 other suspects got away on foot.
The only positive thing to come out of this is that they were caught early enough that nothing from the house was taken. They ransacked our home and did about a thousand dollars worth of damage getting in.

I sat with a bunch of feelings and emotions over this. I wanted to blame my daughter for the actions of another person. I wanted to blame her for not listening to us about this guy in the first place. I don’t think she understood the gravity of her lack of decision-making skills until I told her what had happened, I’m not even sure she still get’s it.

I stood on the same roads I had walked on Thanksgiving but this time at night. I looked up to a million stars in the sky and I knew the answer was being provided, that I needed to take a leap of faith.

My wife and I put a deposit on a rental house in Louisiana. We will be moving in early May. I turned in my 2 week notice today at work. We have a little money saved and some of my wife’s 401k to get by on. Some people think I’m stupid for leaving and not having jobs to go to. Call me stupid, but I feel a sense of peace about life that I have never felt before. I feel confident and capable, today.

LSU has a chapter in Monroe, LA which is about 14 miles from where we will be living. I am going to enroll part-time and pick up a job to get some money rolling. My wife has 20 years of accounting in her background and I see no reason why we can’t find something.

I am continuing to write on the book and I have many plans. I feel a spirit of adventure that I haven’t felt since I was a boy. It is an incredible feeling.

I plan on posting up until the time we move then I will be taking a break to get the new place in order.

I am swamped right now just getting back but wanted to share this with you.
I will be writing soon.

Take Care…
Bob D.

Desperation to Desire


I was on the phone last night with a friend. He is not an addict and has been a friend for a number of years and is aware of my struggles. He has been steadfast in support and said something last night that brought me to tears….

Bob, if I can give back half of what you have given to me I would consider myself rich.

WTF?!? What have I given you?
You listened when no one else did.

I’ve always cared to some degree about people. I guess I couldn’t find that same level of self-concern when it came to my own life. I’ve been talking a little about desperation the past couple of days and what is drawing me now is the word desire.

A dictionary defines Desire:
To Long or Hope for; To express a wish for.

See, I thought I was the smartest guy I knew until I actually picked up a dictionary and started reading what words meant. Desire, to hope for.

What moves one from desperation to desire? Desire cannot be measured and is often misunderstood. I’ve had a desire for a number of years to go skydiving, but it doesn’t mean that I have done it.
In talking about recovery the 3rd Tradition of NA talks about, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using”. The only thing I was a member of in the past was the old Columbia House Record and Tape Club where you got 11 albums for a penny, and I defaulted on that.
So I have a desire and that makes me get clean and stay clean? Perhaps, but it also has to deal with the commitment I make to myself, my HP, my family, my fellowship. I can wish and hope all day long and it is just that day spent wishing and hoping.
There is action and effort required on my end to take that initial spark of desire to stay clean and fan it into a flame.
I remember being at my first NA meeting and seeing a guy there I had run with over 16 years ago (at  that time) and he said he had been clean for 16 years. My initial reaction was, “If that crazy fuck can stay clean 16 years, I can certainly stay clean for 1 day!”
That’s not to say he keeps me clean today, but for that moment, that day, the power of the program working in someone elses life was enough.

There have been really cool days in recovery, and I have had days I thought would never end. Life and the world continue to go on whether I accept them or not. Throughout it all there has been some level of desire and commitment or I wouldn’t have stayed clean, that’s just the simple truth. My hope today is that today I will become a little better than I was yesterday. That I will be able to help someone in some way, whether it is recovery related or not.
There are days I don’t feel that damn spiritual and I have had days where I have felt the presence of a power greater than myself in a moment that I could not bear alone. Our literature reminds us of this, that I do not know when the day will come that it will take all the effort I have just to stay clean.

Even after 4 years, 3 months, and a few days I still think about drugs. For some this may seem abnormal, for me not using is abnormal so were on the same page! The thought came to mind last night, almost to the point of euphoric recall. The difference today is I know what is going on. The disease concept of addiction is in my thinking patterns and my emotions. I realize that the feeling will pass and it did. I am no longer bound by impulsive action and compulsive behavior, I am set free.

I talked to my wife last night after my friend I mentioned earlier made some things clear. I knew what the answers were but I have been looking past them. I told my wife if she really wants to move down south to be with her family, we would make a go of it. It’s crazy I know but here is the thing…

My wife for 18 years has made selfless decisions and thought about our well-being first.
I am capable of making good decisions today based in the right reasons.
Those 2 things combined, we can’t be all wrong.
She cried last night and looked at me. She said this was one of those decisions she wasn’t even sure of. I told her whatever we decided to do, we would face together.

There are a lot of people on my mind and my heart today. So many people passed through my life that I never thought of telling how much they really meant to me. With that….

For whatever I did or didn’t do..
Know that I Love You.
Bob D.

Desperation, Hockey, and Baby Lambs?!?


What a wierd title, but it works…..

I wrote a little about desperation and received some excellent replies. I would like to share with you my take on desperation. To do this brings up some painful memories, but I know if the pain that I put myself through helps 1 person then it was worth it……

December 18, 2005 was the last night I used. I told myself I wouldn’t end up here, again. I told myself I was only going to buy a little, do a little, and go home. 15 hours later at 5 in the morning I came out of the dopehouse. I had not been home, had not called, and had used some of my bonus money that I was going to buy Christmas gifts for my family on dope.
 I looked in the mirror and realized there simply was no one left to blame. I couldn’t blame my childhood, my father, my job, my wife, my kids, my friends, my anything for this. My heart raced as I tried to think of what lie I was going to tell for this and there were no more lies.
I drove to work and told a co-worker I had not been home. He called my wife and she told him to drop me off where she worked. I sat in a chair in her office and could not look her in the face. I sat with the hood of my jacket pulled up over my head like a child.
It became clear that I had lost all control. That my entire being-body, mind, and spirit were completely broken.
I didn’t have those words then, I do today. It was that feeling of waking up day after day, getting sick in the toilet and looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “This is as good as it is going to be. I wonder who I am going to have to lie, steal, or cheat from today”?
Desperation is more than a feeling, it is a state of collapse of the human condition.

Perhaps in the next couple of posts we will look at from desperation to desire.

We went to the hockey game on Friday night. Columbus played Minnesota. Down 2-0 going into the third it did not look good. My kids were surprised how the exciting the game could be. Columbus ended up winning 4-2 in a rally. Here is a picture of Nationwide Arena…

My son and I went and volunteered at our Districts Annual Pinewood Derby Event on Saturday morning. These are the smaller, model sized cars. He is too old for it now, but we enjoy still going. When we got home bored kids forced our hand in getting out of the house. We ended up taking a drive and went to Slate Run Historical Farm. Due to the time of year it was only partially open. I snapped this photo in the sheep barn…

We ended up in Circleville and looked at a couple of houses. Nothing really panned out except the kids could see we are serious about this. We have been dropping hints left and right but I guess us all actually going out and looking made the difference. They weren’t too thrilled about it but it didn’t break down the way I thought it would.

Sunday I went to our Area Service meeting and listened for 3 hours on a course of action to rectify the theft of NA Funds from our last Area Convention. The amount in question is $3,800-$7,200 depending on how the paperwork is looked at. Our Area Chair did a phenomenal job in maintaining order, providing clear and accurate information, and not allowing the meeting to get out of hand. Obviously we would rather not have anyone steal from our fellowship. This is not the first nor the last time this has happened in NA. We dealt with the matter and I feel better knowing that not only was the matter addressed but everyone seemed to be involved in a spirit of unity.

Went to the meeting Sunday night and came home. It was quite a busy weekend. I sat on the couch last night and watched a show with my wife. It seems like it has been months since we have done that. Just sit together and take a breath. It was nice.

I hope you enjoy your Monday.
Take Care….Bob D.

Desperation


Maybe the answer doesn’t change, only the question does……

I’ve talked about it before. The 2 questions I rarely get the answers to and if I do get the answer it’s never one I like.

Why and When?

Why does this happen?
When will this happen?
Why do I feel like this?
When will this change?
So on, and So on…..

It’s like in our literature it talks about in “What is the NA Program” and the only thing we are concerned about is “What you want to do about your problem and how we can help”.

How…..

Interesting word.

How is it possible you quit using drugs….
Exactly.
Huhhh?????

Honesty
Open-mindedness
Willingness

 The cornerstone of action in the NA Program.
Today I will stop asking about why and when, and become more focused on HOW.

Today has been a decent day. I had myself almost convinced to call in after the way I felt yesterday. The pounding in my mouth has stopped. I really didn’t expect to be at the dentist that long. I didn’t expect to return to work but I ended up doing so. We are extremely short-handed at work in my department. I am super glad it is Friday. The weather here has been decent, the sun has been out and it has been warm. It would seem that spring has indeed arrived.

We talked on the phone last night to a lady about a house here outside of Columbus. She talked on the phone to my wife for about 15 minutes. After my wife got off the phone with her, she began to describe the house and talked in a lot of negative terms.

It sounds too small.
How small is too small, I inquired.
It’s too small.

I have a feeling I know where this is headed. A friend of mine printed up at least 30 postings for places. My wife would look at each one and say something about it. I would rather her just come out and say…I want to move down south, than give us both the run around. I am going to say something to her tonight about it.

I need to do some reading tonight.
I’ve been reading a few posts on WordPress about family members who have loved ones that are addicted. Their stories are moving and inspirational, to me, all in the same breath. It got me to thinking about my family.
I know of at least 2 occasions during the last year that I used that my wife called every treatment facility in town to get me help. The problem was I didn’t want help, I wanted to use. So the question simply is this….

What does desperation mean to you?

I have learned it was desperation, afterall, that made me seek recovery. I am interested in what your definition or description of desperation is.

I will give you mine in the next post.

Have a great weekend.
Bob D.

Laughing with the Police


You can take a kid off the streets, but can’t take the streets out of the kid…..

I want to go where he works and wait. I want to wait with a ball bat or tire iron. Better yet a razor. I would cut him across the back of his ankle, where that tendon is. He would limp the rest of his natural life, and each time he would limp he would think of me…..

This is the kind of stuff that came across my mind last night. After being told to drop this 18 year-old guy, my daughter has decided she would rather sneak. She was wandering the streets of our neighborhood with a ghetto pack of 6 or 7 other kids who are her “friends” and then strangely disappeared. My wife, who had to get a gallon of milk, caught her coming across the road out of another apartment complex while a car, his car sped off.

So in typical fashion my daughter becomes defensive and obstinate. Not wanting to make decisions based in anger I took her phone and told her to go to her room, that I would talk to her in the morning.

I sat, and sat.
1st Mistake
I thought about things.
2nd Mistake
I saw his Facebook profile.
Last Mistake

We talk a lot in the rooms about the masks we wear. This kid wears them too. But I know his type of mask, it is one of a ghetto boy, a hood rat, a gang member would wear. I’ve seen his pics, read his posts, and he is caught up.
If I wasn’t sure before I am sure now, he has no business being around my daughter.

With all of this it seems my mind was or is on sensory overload. I sat at the kitchen island last night with a thousand thoughts running thru my mind, including hurting him. I know that won’t work.
I took a drive to get a pack of smokes.
I saw a prostitute look in my direction. I drove past 2 bars. I am turning on the road back to my house and I notice my jaw is open. That kind of open after I would take a hit. I feel that feeling in the back of my throat…..

God. Please let this stop, I muttered.
This isn’t the answer I am looking for. I know that. What are you thinking?
I got home and sat some more….The phone rang.
It was one of the guys I sponsor who had come from a meeting. They had talked about relapse.
I finished speaking with him and the phone rang again. It was a second fellow I sponsor.
He had been at a meeting and had read the 1st Chapter “Who is an Addict” and talked about “Feeling like using and not using”.
Again, I don’t believe in coincidences so I took it as a sign from a power greater than myself that I was in contact with it whether I wanted to be or not. See I didn’t call my sponsor and reach out like I have been taught. I didn’t pick up my book and read. I didn’t reach out to someone else. Instead I sat with my own thoughts and feelings and the result was the same as it has always been.

What can I do to hurt myself and them.

I got up this morning and tried to talk to my daughter. I gave her clear expectations about cell phones and this guy. I made it clear that we could do it her way or my way, but either one this was going to end one way or the other.
It didn’t go well.
She became mouthy and told me that she would talk to her mother, and “I would see” how things worked out.

I dropped her off at school with that familiar feeling of “I hate things are like this” and “When is it going to end” or better yet “I need my daughter back”.
I stopped at a UDF and there was a police officer in there. I took a chance and approached him and found out something interesting. The State of Ohio has a law in the revised code that states if and adult is coercing a minor, and this person has been told to not have contact with them it is considered “Interference with Custody” and is a misdemeanor charge.

 The police officer empathized with me as he had went through a similar situation with his daughter. He said that it didn’t get better but at least he had a legal course of action that wouldn’t cost him his job and he didn’t end up killing the boy. I laughed. I never had laughed in the company or with a police officer before. I did this morning and I felt a little better.

Violence is never the answer, information is. I sent what I learned to my wife this morning and I feel like I at least have options if I need them. The internet is great for some things but nothing really beats the information available if I can get it from a legit source, and nothing beats the police in this situation.

I am hopeful my day will turn around. I am hopeful this situation will turn around, as always I remain guarded about it all.
Take Care…Bob D.