First and foremost…my demise has been greatly exaggerated.
My apologies to you……
So much has transpired since my last post, the most important of it all is that I have not used. I have been clean for 6 years, 5 months, and 19 days. To be honest with you I have learned the true meaning of desire, it is a state of mind and body, not of willpower or determination.
I have learned acceptance on an entirely different level. I have learned that obsession and compulsion truly make up the core of our disease. I have learned that intolerance and projection is a reality killer for us all. Most of all…..I have learned to let go, and stay in the here and now.
My daughter has moved out.
She turned 18 on April 15th, graduated High School on May 14th, and moved out on May 30th.
She went back to Ohio. My wife and I had numerous talks at night in the dark. The ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ ran rampantly. My daughter was given an opportunity of a lifetime here by a business owner and passed it up. She received a few letters from colleges but not the one’s she was looking for. About 3 weeks before graduation she approached me and told me that she loved us but did not want to live here and asked if I would buy here a plane ticket back to Ohio. I told her yes……..
2 Weeks before graduation my daughter fell ill with Strep Throat. It was a bad enough case we ended up in the emergency room where she had a fever of 103. The week before graduation was spent on running back and forth to the school, handing money out, and trying to motivate her to do some basic things. It dawned on me that she had given up on us because things weren’t working out the way she wanted them too. I dealt with boys calling the house all hours of the night, her not coming home, and a weeklong senior trip to Panama City, Florida which involved the police. Long story short, I felt my control as a parent slip away, the little I had left anyway.
I knew that the best for all involved was for her to go and experience life. This became a point of contention between my with and I. My wife felt she wasn’t mature enough to handle it, I agreed, but I knew ultimately what was going to happen. She was going to leave one way or the other…..
Standing at the airport gate I felt lost. I felt small. I felt like the world and my HP were showing me something that it would take some time to understand……
Ultimately I only have power over myself and my perception of reality.
As I hugged her and cried as I am doing now, I wanted to change so many things that I can’t. I told her what I have told many of you in the past in posts and I don’t believe I ever told any of you this but it seems fitting now. It is something my Father said to me in a phone call that changed our relationship. He said, and I said to her……
For whatever I did or didn’t do, know that I Love You.
I told her to be safe and within a blink of the eye she was gone through the gate……
I told my wife last night that I missed her. I don’t miss the fighting, the drama, the pain, but I miss her. She has a lot to learn about being a person, and how to treat other people. She is currently staying with an Uncle and his girlfriend. I miss her voice….When I call sometimes she will answer and sometimes she won’t….that’s what hurts the most.
Today is my son’s 14th birthday and he is awesome. I have said before that he has been a rock through all of this and he has. My goal is to concentrate on him and help him to the best of my ability. It was at this point in my own life, at his age, that my father left, and I was lost. Now I can be here for him.
My wife continues to support me in all that I do and our relationship is strong. I will be returning to recovery meetings next week after a long absence. I could give a million reasons as to why I haven’t been going but the truth of the matter is I put it all on hold, good, bad, or indifferent. It was my decision and I have suffered for it. Not by returning to active addiction but by suffering in silence which someone told me a while ago I could do or I could choose to live. The person that told me that was an intake nurse at the treatment center I walked into on December 19th, 2005.
I will choose to live.