Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘Recovery’

Comings & Goings


I will be 45 this year. I have witnessed a few things come and go. Fashions, trends in music, styles of cars, genres of pop culture. I think it was in ‘Return of the Jedi’ when Yoda told Luke Skywalker: ‘Hard to see the future, always in motion it is’.
The past can be that way as well. Time has a strange way of either making us anticipate things to come, or fade the pain of events gone by.
A couple of days ago a person sent me a ‘Friend’ request on Facebook. When I saw the person and the request my initial reaction was, ‘Why in the hell is this person contacting me after 27 years’?
The last time I saw this person we were selling dope out of a hotel room in Ohio. A paranoid 2 week run of dope, guns, & girls. It ended badly. One guy disappeared, one guy went to jail, & I would run 60 miles to get out of that town before all hell broke loose.
I looked at his picture. He had 3 girls standing with him, this time in a family portrait. He looked old, unassuming, and had gained weight.
As legendary or exciting I can make an old story seem we have all been through it. There are people I no longer associate with whether in life or social media. I moved to a new state 3 years ago and one of the freeing things is that it is highly unlikely I will run into an old acquaintance. Does this give me an excuse not to make amends? Certainly not. Did I make amends to the person who sent me the request? No.
The reason is I choose whom is in my life today, and to be honest I wasn’t willing to let this person back in my life. It would cause more harm than good,. See I have that power in my life today, the power of choice.

Take Care,
Bob D.

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I am Free


It’s been a long time. I was sitting here at the house, unwinding after another long day and thought I haven’t written in an extremely long time.
I’m not sure if anyone still reads this link or not. When I first started writing I said I would do it first and foremost for myself, and if anyone else got something out of it, so be it.
My life changes daily, not the circumstances of my life, but my perception of life and myself. I can’t be trapped in leftover feelings of yesterday nor the anxieties of tomorrow, it suits no purpose.
Today is all I have, it’s all I’ve ever had, and that can be freeing or condemning based on my perceptions.
A friend told me long ago that perception is reality. That has never left me. The building blocks of recovery are based on my willingness to open my mind, my spirit, and my willingness to recognize the reality of my addiction and what I am willing to do about it.
This does not change no matter how long I stay clean.
Today is one of those days that I find myself pondering, contemplating my life, my existence, my successes, my failures…
I can beat myself up for my shortcomings, my lack of willingness, anything I choose to but the bottom line is that I AM CLEAN. I did not use, I have not used for 7 years, 2 months, and 11 days.
I have clarity of thought, freedom of choice, and a level of sanity has been restored in my life.
I have the ability to love and be loved.
I have been set free. For all the bitching I can do, all that I may think is wrong, for all the emotional fucked up mess I think I can be……

I am ok.
I am worthy.
I am free.

Take Care,
Bob D.

A Falls Count Anywhere Match with Depression


Some of you may know from past posts, and others not that I am a fan of wrestling and have been since like 1978. Before we go any further this isn’t a post of wrestling or a debate of whether its real or not, it’s more just the basic idea of what wrestling is based on…..Emotion.

The basic premise of wrestling is good guys versus bad guys and reaction’s to their actions. If its a boo or a cheer, an applause or throwing popcorn, it’s all based on reaction.

When I am depressed I have no reaction. It’s my thoughts of ‘This is just another event that solidifies my feelings’. I guess in a sense that may be a subconscious reaction. My physical reaction to depression is isolation. I just want to be left alone.

I forced myself to go to a meeting Thursday and didn’t talk. That in itself is a good thing for most people in a meeting as I tend to ramble about nothing, but when I don’t talk a strange thing happens…..I listen.

I heard some things, not about depression, but about gratitude, perception, thankfulness, and how it’s egotistical of me to thing I am actually in control of this. All of these things are really relative to how Higher-Power Centered I am. That being said why does a HP allow me to be depressed?

I don’t believe a HP allows this to happen. I believe this depression, this state of mind is factored by something medical and in something psychological. I’m not a doctor, I am just stating this from my own experience. I don’t take medication, I never have, and I know it will pass it just takes time.

It feels like a lot of things are just stacking up against me. I feel like the positive things aren’t positive enough. I feel irrelevant and that no matter how much effort I put into anything it won’t matter. This is in all areas work, home, recovery. Everything. That’s why this sucks so bad.

I know it will end at some point. Maybe today or tomorrow. It might be next week, who knows. I will continue to move along as I have been. Something will change, it always does.

Take Care,
Bob D.