Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘Women’

There is Always a Price To Pay….

My wife has been in a state of mess as of late. It kinda boiled over last night. Sitting in the car, talking, anything I said to try to cheer her up or put a positive spin on things was shot down. The reality of where we are in things is catching up with her. The lack of work, or of decent pay. The family not treating her as she thought they might. The kids, especially my daughter, who refuses to let go of Ohio. She is now wearing old school t-shirts to her new high school so that other kids will look at her as if she has 2 heads. She refuses to wear her new school colors. All of this and of course, me.

I told my wife about the credit cards I had. To my surprise she wasn’t as angry as I thought she would be. A tremendous sense of relief has been brought to me only to realize my comfort has brought her misery. There is always a price to pay….How much is the question.

She never really questioned me about anything, but the disappointment was there. I have since taken steps and contacted the companies and made payment arrangements. I pleaded hardship with them and due to my change of address being now out-of-state they agreed.

I lied to my sponsor the other day over the phone. I don’t know why. It was about meetings, more in general my lack of attendance. I haven’t been to a meeting now in 3 weeks I think. Now before everyone gets in an uproar, especially me, I’m ok for right now. I have made a decision that I need to find a larger support network. I’m just not finding it in NA here. My plan is to attend AA and go to 1 NA meeting a week for support of others. I haven’t made this decision lightly. I know I need to do something, and I believe it involves a total rework of my thinking about fellowships.

Work continues to be long and hard. The kids other than the obvious seem to be ok.
LAst night was the first time I almost said something to my wife about doubting our decision to move. I wanted to ask her if she thought we made the right choice. Somehow it doesn’t seem important today, after all, we are here now. We knew we had to do something…and there is always a price to pay….I just hope the cost isn’t that high here.

Please remember to donate to MDA this weekend. Most of you know I am a huge supporter of Jerry Lewis and the MDA Telethon. Please make a donation. We need only one dollar more than last year.

Take Care….
Bob D.

Resentment’s, Sex, and Bad Mexican Food

It’s 6:11 a.m. and I am up. Don’t ask why, I just am. Well you can ask why but all it will do is lead to a rant about resentment’s, sex, and bad mexican food not necessarily in that order…..

Being 42 I have learned a little about sex and relationships and this is what I know…Sex is overrated. Guys spend too much time thinking, talking and plotting about sex. Society uses sex to sell every major product we consume. Teenagers are worried about the mysteries of sex and losing their virginity at younger and younger ages. As for me, I’m just sitting here at 6:11 a.m. writing about it.

My wife got a job. She is working for a local construction company doing their accounting. She said the guy reminds her of her last boss. Looks like him, talks like him, acts like him. Should be interesting.

The kids started school this week. They get on the bus at 7 a.m. which means it is wake up time here of around 6 a.m., which means I am up at 5:30…This may explain why I am up at 6:11.

Work continues to go ok. I went to a meeting on Thursday which consisted of 3 people including myself. I’m past the part of meetings here being extremely small, the thing that is getting me is the lack of experience or talking about ‘phases’ in recovery. I get resentful that I have the most clean time in a room and am looked at to lead the conversations on things. I guess I could be just lazy and want to hide in meetings or have solutions provided for me. Maybe I am spoiled because I came from a larger area where this happens.

At any rate…there is really not much going on. My daughter has made no mention of the incident from a couple of weeks ago which kind of leads me to believe nothing improper happened.

I hope you are all doing well, I am off to read posts.

Take Care….Bob D.

Intimacy…Part III or Texturing My Hair at 42

Do you care if I texture your hair, she asked in a deep southern draw.
Uhhh…I guess it’s ok.
It will take some of the weight off the front of it.
Ok…I guess.

Growing up I went to a vocational school that I have never used the trade I went for in the first place, accounting. There were several girls that I knew that were enrolled in cosmetology. Always looking for a willing participant and myself liking the fact that their boobs pressed against me while they cut my hair, it seems I couldn’t get my hair to grow fast enough in those days to volunteer to be a ‘Hair Test Dummy’ as often as I would have liked.

It’s a good thing I paid a little attention back in those days because I saw the stylist today using thinning shears and referring to it as ‘Texturing’ my hair. There is still nothing better than getting a hair cut even today, and it has nothing to do with the boobs….really.

I turned 42 this past Wednesday. Not really a milestone as turning 40 was but none the less another year older, a little wiser, and I actually feel like I’m in half decent shape for my age other than I am still too fond of AMP Energy drinks and smoking.

My diet has changed. I’m not eating as much junk food as I once did. I’ve lost some weight, do mainly to the fact of the heat and sweating profusely at work. My wife has lost weight as well and our relationship is at it’s best. It has shown recently with our passion for one another and my willingness to be more intimate with people in general.

Intimacy is a choice. I have come to understand that. It means that not all of my relationships are or have to be intimate. There are people who are involved in my life on many different levels. I think that the thought process of ‘It’s all or nothing’ is what had set myself up for rejection so many years ago. In that rejection I found a form of desperation that would simply feed off of each emotion. It set forth a series of complex thought processes that simply weren’t true.

It has taken time and will take more time to chip away at the layers of my being. The walls of insecurity that I built over time have been slowly lowered row by row, brick by brick. It is my hope that one day I will be able to listen, love, and understand more with my heart than with my mind.

Things are ok. My daughter continues to work and has had some moments but nothing like I posted about in June.
My son continues with summer football conditioning.
My wife is still looking for work.

Me…I’m getting by. My life is not nearly as full as it was a few months ago, which really now seems like an eternity ago. Time is a funny thing. It feels like we have been here forever but in reality we have only been here a little over 2 months. When I as younger there was all the time in the world, and now I’m a little older and guess what….I still have all the time in the world.

Take Care,
Bob D.

Intimacy….Part II

The fear has always been there. This fear is based in one area.


In my first post I talked about the fear that seems to permeate my being. This fear of intimacy based in thoughts and feelings. These thoughts and feelings are centered around one thing; Rejection.
None of us like or want to be rejected. I believe it is a basic component to our recovery, that what I want most is to feel good about myself, to feel good about my set of life circumstances. When this is not occurring I have it worked into my fabric of being that somehow, someway I am being cheated. That you are laughing at me, that you are rejecting me.

This goes to a much deeper level with relationships. As far back as I can remember the thoughts have been there that, ‘There is something about me that if I could just change he/she would like me’.  If I walk into a room and believe that a particular person is not speaking to me because I think they don’t find me attractive, it is not necessarily what the other person is thinking, it’s what I think about myself that sets the tone.

I am certainly no Dr. Phil nor am I implying that I have all of the answers that can ‘fix’ my human psyche. What I do know to be true is that I rejected myself long before I thought or felt others were rejecting me. I believe this to be the basic cornerstone of addiction. That I did not like myself nor did I like the way I perceived the world or others around me. This is what in part set off my search for ‘Something Different’. I had always been looking for something different, something different in myself, my world, my life. For most this may not be a startling revelation but for someone who used actively for 25 years it was the awakening that I needed to move forward in my life as a recovering person. The something different I thought I had found in drugs was just one of many attempts to fix my unltimate problem; myself.

 I don’t believe until I got clean that I ever was honest with people about how I really felt or thought about things. I don’t think I really have anything more to hide. I have arrived at a point in life that I have accepted myself on some level. Does it mean that I am an open book, ready to spill secrets or share some horrid tidbit from my past? Not necessarily. I have to be more practical than that. What I do mean is that by understanding why I do what I do I don’t have to run around trying to be understood by using what you want to hear or have me to be. That I don’t have to be a chameleon in the hopes that you will accept me, because I can accept myself to a degree today I don’t need the outside validation of others to remove the rejection label I placed on myself so many years ago.

With all that being said, life is complicating enough for me to realize that it is easy to fall back into old behavior. A quick story here, or a white lie there to gain acceptance, to gain approval so that I don’t have to feel that feeling of rejection all over again.

Rejection is a powerful feeling, almost as powerful as desperation.

I wonder if the 2 somehow walk side by side?

Maybe more on that later.
Happy Birthday Elizabeth…..

Take Care….Bob D.

Listening to Myself…A Good or Bad Idea?

I haven’t written anything since last week. I really haven’t written anything of substance in a while it seems. I spoke with someone last night about self-will, ego, connectivity, and feelings.
All sounds deep doesn’t it? I guess I’m feeling deep right now. All my life I’ve concerned myself with deep issues, things lurking in the dark, fears, dreams, hopes, nightmares.
Sitting here at work and wondering what direction my life is heading in seems like a reoccurring theme. I sat in bed last night and wondered what was going on in Nebraska. None of this will probably make sense to anyone but me and that’s ok. I guess what it boils down to is the same things in my life are happening, I try to resolve them in the same manner, and I am left to question my life, my recovery, and my desire.
I even questioned the literature that helped save my life. It’s not enough I told myself, it’s not giving me the answers I need to hear. The answers are always there, it’s whether my mind is open to receive it.

It’s not been one big event, but several small ones, that have me in this space. My mom left for California for 3 weeks. I found out from a Facebook post courtesy of my sister. No phone call.
My wife melted down on Valentines Day and it continued through last night. I sat on the bed with her as she cried and tried to explain to me how she felt like her mother “abandoned” her because she moved to Louisiana.
My daughter was a bitch all day yesterday.I am just worn out with her. It’s to the point I have a difficult time even being around her. I feel like shit because this is my child! How is this possible? Is it possible to love a child because they are yours and simply hate to be around them because they suck as a person? I found more inappropriate text messages on her phone. Guys asking her to send pictures of herself and her parts to them. I stumbled across an email she sent via MySpace to one of her friends informing her that she had lost her virginity in November. I haven’t told my wife. I can’t. Not right now. I wish I hadn’t came across it. I shouldn’t have looked at her stuff when she was out of the room. Is it better to know or not to know? The other thing is I don’t know if it is even true. She makes no mention of the boy’s name, like she was just playing follow the leader in the email.
I told my sponsor that dealing with her is next to impossible. I want her to see life through my eyes and she can’t. She sees through her eyes and this is where it all comes to a standstill. I believe she is in for a difficult time and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

There is a line in the NA Text that says…Sometimes we feel lousy, and we want to run. I just don’t want to run, I want to take everyone with me. I want to pack everyone up and leave this town. I am tired of Columbus, tired of my kids schools, tired of my wife’s boss being a dick. I am tired of snow and cold weather. I have a whole laundry list of shit I am tired of.
I spoke to my sponsor about some things last night. He told me, “Bob, why don’t you try going about things differently, just try going about them differently”.
Is this “Different” a life change? Maybe. It could be. I know some things are going to have to change in our lives. I am convinced we need to move, not out of a geographical cure, but out of necessity. I can’t see our kids in the area of town, in the schools they are in, with the kids they are around any longer.

I don’t know what all the answers are. I do know I need to find the courage to change the things that I can. I guess it takes some level of courage to look at all of this. I know that if I try to look at all of it or try to change all of it at once, it becomes too overwhelming.

One of the guys I sponsor has checked himself in detox after a lengthy relapse. I have been talking to this guy for 2 weeks about doing something different. Maybe I need to listen to myself every now and then.

Take Care….Bob D.

Valentine’s Epic Fail…Bucket Style

This Sunday is Valentine’s Day for those who don’t have any calendar reading capabilities. I personally can deal with this holiday better than I can with Sweetest Day, which I believe is a fabricated holiday by the card companies to generate more revenue.
My son was in the car last night as we rode to parent-teacher conferences at his school and blurted out he needed 2 cards for girls. One is his “girlfriend”, the other the girl who wants to be his girlfriend. Ahhh…the stresses of youth.

He told my wife and I that he missed the Valentine’s Parties from elementary school. My mind began to drift, as it usually does, to when I was younger. I remember my mom helping with the cards, the little candies…..

Now that I am grown, I still like Valentine’s Candy…..

Ohhh Shit…wrong pic…..I meant

That’s a little more like it……
Ahhh the fail is on.

At any rate…I got my wife a card and some candy. We both don’t go overboard on this anymore. We used to….Cards, Candy, Clothes, Dinner, Flowers….the works. I guess we just have mellowed over time with it. I know people who go to extravagant lengths to prove their love on this one day, I find it easier to let the people in my life who are special to know that I love them everyday.

A few updates…..
I was at the dentist yesterday. 6 novicaine injections later the major work I take it is almost done. I went over the timeline with the dentist. I am not happy. It will be probably the end of April before everything is done. That means I have to walk around another 2 and a half months with a missing front tooth. I also went over my bill with her. My out-of-pocket fee for this next bit, not counting what I have already paid, is $910.00
There goes half of our income tax return.

David is tanking at school. This is more great news that our kids can’t do homework and turn it in. Both are great and participate in class, but are under the impression that school stops at school. We have developed a plan, which includes no more XBox during the week, to get him back on track.

My daughter is getting loud again and I reminded her about it today. We are pushing I believe 4 weeks without an incident and are due for one. It started about 3 days ago in her being louder. I will let you know if anything happens. Her next doctors appointment is next Thursday.

The Olympics are on. Yeah…Canada.
I have some friends from Canada….that’s it.

Last but not least in news of the dumb and dumber…
Hailey Glassman, whom was involved with John Gosselin, has announced that John has a 3 inch penis. That she wasn’t sure how they were going to have sex successfully and it’s probably the reason Kate couldn’t get pregnant and was a bitch all the time.
How does a guy disprove this claim? Take a picture of his junk to have put out on the internet? This is the oldest slam available. You don’t hear guys walking around saying…..

She was hung like a bucket…..do you?

Have A Great Day.
Bob D.

Amanda Doesn’t Live Next To Me……

I was going over some posts and it befuddled me how it is that I was still receiving hits on a post I did several weeks back titled “The Amanda Bynes Tragedy”. It was a parody of Amanda looking like Snooki, or vice-versa with a bad make-up job, kinda like what she did on her old TV show. I thought it was clever, but not clever enough to still be receiving so much attention. I was in line at a Speedway when this caught my eye…..

It seems as if my title “The Amanda Bynes Tragedy” really isn’t a tragedy afterall. I feel a sense of guilt though, remembering her as the skinny tween from the TV show with Drake, Josh, and a few others. It’s like watching the next door neighbors kid grow up to be a hottie. There’s something just not right about it, but, Amanda doesn’t live next to me….So she is hot.

While were talking about celebs…
Did anyone know Lady GaGa could actually sing? The duet on the Grammy’s she did with Elton John was unbelievable.
I saw an ad in our local paper where Buddy Valastro “The Cake Boss” is doing theater shows billed as “An evening of cakes and stories”. Isn’t that what his TV show is supposed to be all about?
Kate Gosselin got hair extensions. I think they might help her extend her bank account as well, she at least looks approachable and datable now.
I heard an excerpt of a recording former President Lyndon Johnson made. It seems as if he taped all of his conversations, including ones with his tailor, where he told that, ” The pants need to be let down more in the front, it’s like a wire running across my balls all the way to my bunghole (burp). If you could do that it would be great”. Good stuff Mr. President.
According to Good Morning America there is an alleged sex tape with John Edwards and his former mistress Rielle Hunter. Miss Hunter has filed an injunction if the tape were to appear. I can’t think of anything less desirable to watch….other than the Tonya Harding video.

Well that’s all the comic relief I can muster for now. Amanda, thanks again for the PR. Let’s do lunch soon.

Take Care….Bob D.

Coffee, Tea, or You…..

So I am sitting at the cafeteria at Nationwide Plaza yesterday eating lunch with some co-workers, and they expect it. They expect me to say something. It’s kinda like when I was using, really loaded, people expected me to do something dumb. I expected to do something really dumb, I mean that’s what I did. Fuck, I was a messy addict….it’s a wonder I’m not in jail.

Anyway…They expect me to say something about women. Something sexual in nature of course. Some famous lines I’ve used in the past….

Stop the presses…Who is that?
It looks as if someone stuck 2 hams down the back of her pants.
Would you look at the swing on that back porch.
I would have her bouncing up and down like a low-rider in a Dr. Dre video.

You get the point……
Sorry to say I’m not as Spiritual when it comes to that department. Sometimes I say things for shock value, sometimes it’s just the simple fact that there are some HOT women downtown, but most of the time I do it out of insecurity.
I really wouldn’t know what to do if some of those women gave me the time of day. It’s not that I’m ugly, and yes I remember I am married, and remain faithful. It’s more a hypothetical situation…..

What Would I Do?

 Some folks think I have multiple girlfriends, and I don’t. I speak to a lot of women. I always have. I remember being in clubs, telling myself, if I just had that hanging off my arm my life would be better. If I only had a girl who would do this, be that, or do that, my life would be better.
I was talking to some guys after the meeting on Sunday and they wanted my experience on relationships in recovery. You know, dating, girlfriends, sex…The whole 9 yards. I don’t believe that anyone of us is competent enough to speak on this. I know I have had my fair share of difficulties, still do. Most of this is based in fears and insecurities.

The first year and a half I was clean was extremely difficult. It was difficult in communicating, it was difficult in decision-making, it was difficult in the sex department. It can still be today. I mean if I’m going to write about it, I need to be honest.
So it seems I make up for these by making comments to guy co-workers, but today there was a female present who knows me. She also knows I am full of hot air. I guess what got me on this subject was reading another blog on here about how this is behavior, when acted on, is just as tough as an addiction to drugs. When comments and fantasies aren’t enough and the mental obsession of sex becomes a physical compulsion.
Some would say there is a choice, as with all addictions, but I believe there is just as much if not more denial. I mean it’s sex, right? EVERYONE DOES IT.

I guess my point is, I need to be mindful of my wondering eyes and foul mouth. It’s disrespectful and I feel embarrassed now looking back over my actions. I don’t think it’s wrong to admire a beautiful woman, maybe I just need to find a different way to express it other than….

Man, It just went from 6 o’clock to Midnight….quick.

Then again…..maybe not.
Take Care.
Bob D.