Prompt Admissions

‘I like to hear you talk Mr.Bob’.

Funny….I like to hear myself talk too…….

I once read or heard Stephen Hawking describe the largest difference between animals and ourselves is that we somehow gained the ability to talk.
I have also heard the phrase ‘People are talking, but what are they really saying’?

In a meeting the other night several different topics came up. Expectations, resentments, outcomes, dealing with others in our lives, and a lot of it for me ended up being my ability, or lack there of, to talk or communicate how I really feel about things. I am still astounded how difficult it can be for me to open up about certain subjects. Most of it is based on my perception of the events/person and my willingness to accept those events/persons for exactly what they are.
But because of my recent demeanor, the lack of effort I have been putting in as of late, I did talk. I talked about a few things, and offered my experience in others. It was good to see others nod at me in recognition of what I was feeling and thinking and it was something that they could relate to and had been there themselves. It is and was that therapeutic value of one addict helping another I was needing.

I am reminded in the 10th Step that I need to take a personal inventory and when I am wrong to promptly admit it. Without those prompt admissions the breeding ground for resentments and anger quickly can overcome my thinking. The reason for that personal inventory is so that I can keep my present reality, my world, my place in it, all of those things in check so that I can spare myself some pain. I am becoming more aware of what I am than what I am not.

I started my 2nd job on Friday. What a study in patience this has been. Orientation has been to say the least, a joke. 16 new people, and 1 person to do paperwork and field questions doesn’t seem to work very well. I did computer training yesterday, today, and tomorrow and hopefully will be assigned with someone on Monday night that can show me what I will be doing. It’s not hard work and my goal is to get 32 hours in a week at this job.

I will be working a lot. I know this and have been trying to prepare myself mentally, physically, and spiritually. We had to do something. My goal is to bust ass over the next year and get us out of this debt. If it takes a little longer so be it, but I am tired of us being broke.

Life continues to move forward with up days and down days, but my spirits are better than what they have been over the past few weeks. I hope this post finds you and yours well.

Take Care,
Bob D.

A Pat on the Back from God

I was sitting in my car this morning after a trip to the gas station staring at the ice in the trees from our most recent storm on Friday and a song came on the radio I believe from a group called ‘Lady Antebellum’ and it went….

Hello World, How you been?
It’s good to see you again my old friend.

Something to that effect. Another line went…..

Maybe I should talk to God like he is there…
I know he’s there……

The ice glistening in the trees, suddenly I didn’t feel like I had to talk to God, that in fact it was already there with me. I often wonder what God thinks of me.

I wonder what you think of me? Hell, I wonder what I think of myself some days. I know there is a poem or thought-provoking rhyme out there called ‘The Man in the Glass’. You can Google it if you’d like. This is the version I found:

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,

And the world makes you King for a day,

Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife,

Who judgement upon you must pass.

The feller whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest,

For he’s with you clear up to the end,

And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,

And think you’re a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum

If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.
Have I cheated the guy in the glass? I have learned painful lessons of self-centeredness that would tell in many ways I have. That for some reason I need reassurance, those pats on the back for doing the very things that others have done from the start.
My sponsor taught me early on there should be no more pats on the back for living by Spiritual Principles. Sometimes though, I would like a pat on the back from God, I just think it is too busy laughing at my foolishness.

Some friends here, and abroad are concerned about me as of late. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers as I am going through one of my moods again. Living here, changing our lives, has taken a toll on me that I have underestimated. I do know that whether I ended up here from Self-Will or God’s Will the bottom line is I am still here.
I am certain that it is for a reason and in time that reason will be revealed. I have neglected the very things that have brought me this far. My meeting attendance, if any, is sparse. I’m not reading, and I’m not doing the things I should be doing, which I know is the main culprit in my attitude.
I tell you this not because I feel I am in jeopardy, but rather to light a fire under my own ass, because in the end I am responsible for my recovery, not you.

People have reached out to me and I have ignored them……..

God, I know what this is now….

I am setting myself up for a relapse.

I have put everything in place and am waiting for the right match to light the fuse.
I should have seen this long before this. I have had blinders on. Caught up in old thinking, old feelings. Allowing self-pity and resentments to creep back into my life. Not doing the very things which saved my life to start with. Trying to run things through willpower and turning my back on all the hard work I have done. I have talked a good game and bullshited my way through these last few months but it is all too clear to me now.

How could I have been so blind?

If this post means nothing to you that’s fine…..
It just may have saved my own life.

Take Care,
Bob D.

Sink In

Charlie Sheen does 5 and 5 instead of 12 and 12….

5 Kilos of Coke and 5 Pornstars…..

I imagine it is possible for someone famous to get clean and stay clean. I don’t know anyone, but it is an anonymous program after all…..

Most days I sit and stare out the window of my car before I go into work. Sometimes I talk to God and other days I don’t. This has been a reoccurring theme the past few months of my life in general.

Sometimes participating and sometimes not.

Apathy and procrastiantion are 2 of are seemingly inherent enemies.

Most days I go through the motions of life and tell myself I am doing better than what I think I am. Other days I know I’m not. The problem is I do nothing about it.
I guess this is just a confession I needed to see in black and white to help let it sink in.

I have taken a second job. I didn’t want to, but found it necessary to pay our bills. It’s not forever, but needed to be done.

My wife and kids are doing ok.

I guess I am ok.
Things could be better and they could be worse.

I hope this post finds you all well.

Bob