You know what Snowy-Cold Days are good for??

There is a link on this page to Oxy Watchdog that has an article that ran in this past Sunday’s Columbus Dispatch on the “Epidemic” of pills, prescriptions, pain clinics, and State of Denial that Ohio is in. I read the article at home and found that I have seen these stats before, especially about Southern Ohio. I am more than certain there was a documentary on PBS about the “Southern Triangle” of Ohio, Kentucky, and West Virginia that chronicled the invasion of Oxycontin into those areas. I’ll see if I can find the link.

This is not a new issue. This has been ongoing for almost 10 years. I’m not going to give an Oxy history lesson, or any drug lesson for that matter. I know that there is a severe problem in that area, as well as others, due to a multiple of factors which were outlined in the article. I also know that efforts in the recovery community are ongoing to bring a message of recovery, but with that being said, there are just as many “Pain Management Clinics” as there are meetings if not more. Virtually Anyone can go into one of these clinics and walk out with a script where the 1 pill can bring $80 on the street.

Another round of snow has arrived. I got up fully expecting the kids would be off from school today and as I watched the closings scroll across the screen every school district with the exception of my children’s is closed today. I have no idea why, but my son has launched a formal investigation as well as protest to the matter. He is planning on carrying a sign outside of school that reads…..Conspiracy Victim.
Just kidding….He is pissed though.

My daughter on the other hand wants to be at school. She was in kind of a pissy mood last night and I’m not sure why. Her and her brother at it. Back and forth with sibling nonsense.

I’ve never had to shovel heat. I’ve never scraped wind off my car windshield. I’ve never slipped and fallen on a sidewalk covered in sunshine. So much for the debate about what is good about winter….except I know what cold snowy days are good for……Do You?
Hubba…Hubba.

Take Care….
Bob D.

I’d Like to hear some E,S,&H on Nonsense

I’ve heard some goofy topics. I’ve heard some serious ones as well. Part of it is not knowing what I need help with. Ever been in a meeting and someone brings up the topic of “Life on Life’s Terms”?
Then as the sharing makes its way to that person they expound upon it and we hear what is really going on.
I was in a meeting last night and the topic of “Isolation” was brought up. This is a legit topic. So the sharing goes around the room and the person who brought up the topic not only gets up and down 100 times, they are texting on a cell phone when they are able to sit down.
So it was taught to me early on if I felt like I needed to bring up a topic to word it as best I could, sit and listen, and not comment on my topic. How is it I can offer myself experience when I am asking for it to begin with? There is a difference in sharing experience, and in sharing just to hear myself talk. If I am in a bad spot I need to just say that.
So I talk a little about isolation, the 2 forms I know today are formed from either fear or apathy. I talked about my experience only.
It came around to the person who brought up the topic who basically said…

“I don’t want to go to meetings or do anything. I know what I’m supposed to do. But don’t know what to do. I have a large social circle but don’t feel social, I don’t know what to do….I Pass”.

Well, I hear both fear and apathy but it’s hard to tell for sure, especially when it is more important to text a bff then it is to listen to what is being said. I mean I could be blabbering nonsense and spin it so it sounds decent.

How about them Saints? Not a fan but the game was good. Our family in Louisiana called to let us know how crazy the state was yesterday, not just New Orléans.

We had a big snow here Friday. Calling for more snow tomorrow into Wednesday. Spring can’t come soon enough.

Take Care.

A Feelings Disease

We are often the last ones to see change take hold in our lives….

We talk a lot in meetings about only having to change one thing: everything.

On the outside, it’s easy to see these types of changes. Change of people, places, and things. It’s the internal changes, or a slow shift in perspective that isn’t always easy to spot. I believe that inward un-manageability began long before there were outward signs. I don’t consciously sit back and say…”I remember thinking like that”. It’s more that my thought process just goes through a different progression. I still have the same thoughts and feelings I arrived with in recovery, I believe that I always will to a degree, but it’s more having a level of understanding about myself and the world around me.

I was speaking with someone the other day about this. Going through a break-up of 10 years (this person has been clean 11 years) doing what he knew to do…Going to meetings, talking with his sponsor, talking to guys he sponsors…All the suggestions he said…”Bob, even though I know I am doing everything, my feelings tell me I am not connected.
I trust this guy with my life. He has helped me just as much as my sponsor has. To hear him say this let me know how truly my feelings affect my thinking patterns. This truly is a feelings disease.

I listened to him and told him I had a similar experience but the opposite. I’ve waited to share this all with you until it was right, and now is the time.
After the appointment with my daughter’s doctor, that evening and that next day, my mind was telling me…You know this is all your fault, don’t you?
But my feelings, a feeling, told me I was connected to a HP. I had a feeling sweep over me that I was not the endpoint of this issue. That it would be ok, if I did what I knew how to do. That feeling stayed with me for some time, and as the waves of doubt my mind would send out would come across me, I could literally feel this energy smash it.
I have not had an experience like that in recovery.
I used to laugh when I would hear people talk about feeling so connected that they could feel the presence of a HP with them in a room….

I won’t laugh anymore.

It was real. It is as real as you or I. I am no longer a doubter. I guess when I was at my weakest, my HP knew that I could bear no more.
We are all asked at some time or another to carry more than can. My shoulders are broad, and I believe I am strong, but I am under no delusion that there are times and will be other times that it will only be this contact with a HP that will stop me from using. Because the truth of the matter is, I could have used that day or any day.

I read some posts earlier of some folks trying to quit for the 1st time. I applaud you and support you. Please keep coming back, you are worth it.

There has been a slow change with my daughter. We had an appointment yesterday, and with no uncertain terms, I said aloud that I stay “Guarded”. We have seen this pattern before, but something is different I will admit. Instead of talking at us, she has talked to us. She has made an extra effort on homework, and things have been calm. I don’t believe I should get out the halo polish just yet, but I pray to God that this is the turning point we have looked for now for over a year. I’m starting to see glimpses of my daughter again, and I Love It.

I am scared. I am afraid I will put too much hope in this and it will come back to blow up in our faces all over again. That would be difficult to handle.

Big snowstorm heading our way.
Go Saints.

Take Care….Bob D.

Meanwhile…Back at the Ponderosa

I think it was 1984 or 1985. Sometimes the 80’s are a little blurry for me. Probably a combination of dead brain cells and time. I measure things by concerts or music. I am sure it was after Iron Maiden’s “World Slavery Tour” had come to Columbus.
Trips out of the small town in southern Ohio where I lived were few and far between. One of the things my friend Terry, his girlfriend and I would do, is drive to Chillicothe. We would save a little money for gas and drive there to eat at Ponderosa.
During the drive there we would get high. I mean high to the point of reeking, because you have to leave the windows rolled up, and it was about a 30 minute drive. Listening to music, laughing, not a care in the world.
Most of the time I was under the presumption no one knew I was high. Back then, I really didn’t care. My parents didn’t look for “red eye” or crap like that.
I never fully got why people would stare at us in the restaurant. I understand now they were starring because we were reeking of pot.

I had this memory come back to me last night while sitting in the stands of a High School basketball game. I was sitting, trying to eat a hot dog, when a group of 4 kids came and sat down in front of me smelling like they had just ran through a field of pot plants. One kid is standing in front of me while I’m trying to watch the game. I said to him, “Hey dude sit down”. He turned and just looked at me through the slits where his eyes should be…..”My fault bro”.

I watched as they made a munchies run to the concession stand. Stuffing and drinking everything they could…laughing…and for a moment I was back at the Ponderosa restaurant in Chillicothe, Ohio.
There were no consequences, no deadlines, no responsibilities…….
The game buzzer went off and jolted me back into reality and I saw my 15 year-old daughter standing there in her cheer uniform and I was abruptly reminded that those days are long gone. I don’t think it was euphoric recall, more simply a fleeting memory……..

 Although I am in recovery I don’t sit and preach to my kids about “The Evils” of drugs. I mean my friends and I sat and laughed at Nancy Regan during the “Just say No” commercials. What I have tried to do is show them that life is just as rewarding and fun without it. I know my daughter has been approached with it and to the best of my knowledge hasn’t tried it. That doesn’t mean she won’t at some point, but I believe by not making a huge deal of it with the “Look What Happened to Me” bit and some love, things will be ok.

I hope you enjoy your day.
Bob D.

Having Had a ……..

I finished the “writing” part of Step 12. It’s been really introspective in the sense it’s really the first thing I “finished” in a long time. I know we are never truly “finished” with the Steps, but having stuck with it and wrote about, talked about, and tried to correct some things in my life feels like a decent accomplishment.

I’ve been clean now for a little over 4 years. My entire being is not devoted to a 12 Step fellowship, nor do I feel like I’ve been brainwashed or pressured into doing anything. I never did anything I really didn’t want to do in the first place anyhow.
I believe what the 12 Steps are intended to do is open my eyes to the possibilities of seeing myself, and the world around me in a different light. It has been and continues as an effective way for me to get a better perspective on myself and my reality.
There are some who would continue to convince others that 12 Step Programs are a cult. I can’t speak for any Fellowship other than my own, NA, and for NA in my area. I am not the spokesperson for Narcotics Anonymous, I am just a recovering person who chooses to go to that Fellowship.

I would offer this….If I were to read, try to make sense of and whole-heartedly believe in a theory as some websites would want you to….I wouldn’t bet your life on it. I mean that is what we are gambling with afterall, people’s lives. We are gambling with people’s lives with alleged information that is based on nothing more than rehashed articles written in the past. These articles are or were born out of resentments reaching back over 60 years. That’s a long time to hold a grudge. Resentments are like poison, I drink the poison and hope you die.

I don’t need theories in NA. It either works or it doesn’t. What I have really discovered over these past 4 years is more of what not to do than versus what to do.
What I have found is a proven method for day to day recovery that doesn’t have me crying in the mirror over how “powerless” my life is. I know that I have regained power in my life.
I don’t sit in meetings and confess ’sins” because I don’t suffer from a moral deficiency. What I suffer from is addiction which affects my spiritual, mental, and emotional being.
I don’t stand in front of the mirror each morning saying…”Is this the day I relapse”? Each day I thank a HP, for giving me another opportunity at life.
I don’t need an affirmation, but what I do need is your help. I didn’t nor can’t do this on my own. I don’t sit in 3 meetings a day, 7 days a week, guzzling gallons of coffee talking about “Life on Life’s Terms”.
What I do know is that I tried repeatedly to stop and stay stopped on my own and I know that does not work for me.
If this sounds like a rant it is. There is just too much bullshit out there for someone who has never thought about stopping to stumble across some website offering a theory that is unproven and dangerous.

I mean if I want to get real with it. People like me and people like you who write, this isn’t our first time at the dance. We have had the opportunity to learn some things, however small, about recovery.
If you have now or in the past attended a 12 Step Meeting, or program, there is a strong indication there is something going on in life that is bigger than you.
I don’t know of anyone who just pauses their life and says, “I wonder what NA is about, let’s go check out a meeting”.
With that being said, the difference, the real difference between you and I is simply this…..

I don’t need to be understood…….I understand.

Take Care….Bob D.

Amanda Doesn’t Live Next To Me……

I was going over some posts and it befuddled me how it is that I was still receiving hits on a post I did several weeks back titled “The Amanda Bynes Tragedy”. It was a parody of Amanda looking like Snooki, or vice-versa with a bad make-up job, kinda like what she did on her old TV show. I thought it was clever, but not clever enough to still be receiving so much attention. I was in line at a Speedway when this caught my eye…..

It seems as if my title “The Amanda Bynes Tragedy” really isn’t a tragedy afterall. I feel a sense of guilt though, remembering her as the skinny tween from the TV show with Drake, Josh, and a few others. It’s like watching the next door neighbors kid grow up to be a hottie. There’s something just not right about it, but, Amanda doesn’t live next to me….So she is hot.

While were talking about celebs…
Did anyone know Lady GaGa could actually sing? The duet on the Grammy’s she did with Elton John was unbelievable.
I saw an ad in our local paper where Buddy Valastro ”The Cake Boss” is doing theater shows billed as “An evening of cakes and stories”. Isn’t that what his TV show is supposed to be all about?
Kate Gosselin got hair extensions. I think they might help her extend her bank account as well, she at least looks approachable and datable now.
I heard an excerpt of a recording former President Lyndon Johnson made. It seems as if he taped all of his conversations, including ones with his tailor, where he told that, ” The pants need to be let down more in the front, it’s like a wire running across my balls all the way to my bunghole (burp). If you could do that it would be great”. Good stuff Mr. President.
According to Good Morning America there is an alleged sex tape with John Edwards and his former mistress Rielle Hunter. Miss Hunter has filed an injunction if the tape were to appear. I can’t think of anything less desirable to watch….other than the Tonya Harding video.

Well that’s all the comic relief I can muster for now. Amanda, thanks again for the PR. Let’s do lunch soon.

Take Care….Bob D.

F*** the Tooth Fairy

So I’m sitting across from my friend Scott who is going to speak and he says..

Something different about ya, Bobby…Pointing to my front tooth.

So it seems, so it is.
Wednesday night after the doctor’s appointment with my daughter I went to a meeting and to make a really long story short, my crown broke off below my gum line. To make it worse it is one of my front teeth.
So I spent the day on Friday at the dentist. It seems that it will take at least 3 more trips to fix what needs to be done. So I am walking around without a front tooth, and don’t find it comfortable or funny.
It makes me talk funny and I am quickly becoming self-conscious about it.
I try to blow it off but it doesn’t help.

Our dryer went out on Sunday, so with this dental work and now looking like a new dryer needing to be purchased we are broke. What else is new?
It’s not that everything is bad, it’s just the timing sucks.

Things at home have been ok. We have been in this spot before so I am realistic to know that can change at any moment.
Not much else to write.

Take Care….Bob D.

A Kick in the Balls by God…

Well it would seem that life has me in its grasp. For those who read my “Open Letter” post yesterday it was the result of the visit to our daughter’s new doctor. After consulting with my daughter for 45 minutes she brought my wife and I into the office and all of us sat down.

We were informed that my daughter feels that she is depressed at times, usually for a day or two, that she doesn’t like to be told no, and that she has moments where she loses control of herself. These were no real revelations for us. Then the doctor turned to me and said….

It seems in talking with your daughter and reviewing the notes from the psychologist, that your daughter has stopped maturing emotionally and to a degree mentally. That she is having a hard time letting go of your drug use, that you should have been there for her, that you let her down. I would recommend a medication adjustment and weekly therapy for her to deal with this trauma……..

I sat in the chair as my daughter cried and my wife looked at the floor. I felt like the world had stopped turning and could feel my spirit leave my body. I sat with my hands folded in my lap as my wife interjected, “My husband has done very well for over 4 years….”, as the doctor cut her off and said, “That may be so, but there are issues here that need to be resolved.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say, quite frankly, I still don’t. I am full of mixed emotions. I had wanted to go into that office and find out what the problems were, and what the solutions are to move forward. I guess I got them, they just weren’t what I wanted.

 It felt like a kick in the balls by God. I wanted a break, and didn’t get it.  The ride home was quite. I made my way back to work and sat in guilt, shame, and fear. The rest of the day felt like an out-of-body experience. I was walking through, going through the motions. I got home and decided to go to a meeting.

I called my sponsor and talked with him. He said something that I needed to hear. I am reminded by the NA Textbook that if going through this pain helps just one person, then the pain was worth it. It never dawned on me of going through this pain, that if it helped my daughter, she would be the one person.

I listened to a guy speak who had 24 years clean last night. I needed to see him more than hear him. A living example of the program working in someone’s life for that amount of time is always inspiring. His talk made sense.
I went home and my wife asked me if I wanted to talk. I told her that she need not worry, that I know that the path ahead is set. She asked me what I meant……

I believe our future’s are changed because of what we are asked to do today. I will hold my head up with faith, dignity, and pride. I will walk through this with her. It wasn’t until this year, 25 years after the fact, I was able to resolve issues with my Father and come to an understanding of what happened to me as a child. I don’t want her to have to wait 25 years to move her own life forward. I will not hold my head down in guilt over things ultimately in the end I can’t go back and change. It may be painful, but I accept my part in what I did, and accept full responsibility for doing what I can to help.

My wife and I hugged and I cried a silent tear. I don’t have anymore to cry today. I feel like I am at another crossroads in my recovery, but am steadfast in my resolve and my committment. Thanks to all of those who have read and sent support.

Take Care….Bob D.

And you let me down…..

An Open Letter….

I’ve done this before. Said I was wrong, said I was sorry. I’ve done the best I can for 4 years. I tried to make amends to you a while back in the kitchen. Talked, cried, tried to explain my behavior. Perhaps you were too young, perhaps I didn’t do it in the way you expected, maybe the timing wasn’t right. I offered to continue to do the best I could today, because it is all I really have. I’ve tried to not make up for lost time, but share a better quality of time with you in the here and now.

There really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t deal with some type of guilt. Something I should have said, or something I shouldn’t have said. Things I did or left undone. There are nights it plays like a movie in my head and the guilt is overwhelming. It is paralyzing. I ask God to let me sleep and it doesn’t come. I sleepwalk through my past and watch the present slip further and further out of my grasp.

I talk to my sponsor, my HP, and I am reminded there are some amends that can never fully be made. This maybe one of them. Maybe there is just too much damage done. Maybe this is one of the consequences I was meant to have, I just wished God would let me have a pass on this one. I can handle a lot, but this, this one I took for granted. I took for granted that you would forgive me at some point and move forward, but you haven’t.

I know I must find a way to deal with the guilt, or it will consume me. I have faith that God will carry me when I can’t carry myself. He carried me back to you and all I can do is let you know that I was wrong for letting you down, that I should have been there. I will continue to be there for you today, as long as you let me, or want me to be……

                                                                                                       Love,
                                                                                                                    Dad

How do you feel???

Most days I take feeling for granted. There are days that will live in my memories as both extraordinary, difficult, rewarding, desperate, and a multitude of other words that escape me. Rarely do I sit down and ask myself, “How do you feel?”
Maybe I should do it more often. I usually find I am doing better than what I think. It seems my mind and emotions will allow me to believe on any given day that the end of the world is right around the corner. Our literature reminds me that the principles found in the 12 Steps are to help me deal with the pain and confusion of life or everyday living.
The more I think about it, it kind of seems like an odd but true statement. Somewhere in the way my thinking is wired or through learned behavior patterns, life seems to be painful and confusing. Granted it’s not all the time or my perception of things is slowly changing over time.

I had people tell me my whole life I shouldn’t think or feel a certain way about things. How in the hell can I tell someone how to feel? My thoughts, though off base, are simply that. My thoughts. It is when those thoughts and feelings are driven on impulse, on obsession, on compulsion I am in trouble. I haven’t died from any feeling I’ve had, and my thoughts unless acted on are just random bits of nonsense.

When was the last time you asked yourself….How do I feel today?

Today I feel tired and worried. Tired from staying up too late. I took the kids to see Monday Night Raw (WWE) last night. We had fun.
I am worried because the business partner that is supposed to loan me the money I had previously written about, well, is in trouble himself. I don’t know or possible won’t know the story but it has to do with money.
I have to sit down with my bills and look at doing what I should have done in the first place…..Be Responsible.
I will work it out. I just need to sit down and work some numbers.

My wife and I went to our new psychiatrist yesterday. We gave her some background info on our daughter. We have another appointment tomorrow. After an hours worth of questions, the doctor asked us if we had ever heard of Asperger’s Syndrome. I am unfamiliar with it and am just now starting to read on the subject. This new doctor believes that my daughter has been misdiagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and is leaning towards Asperger’s. I have read just a small amount on it and some of the symptoms listed make more sense and fit more than the BiPolar Disorder does. Is anyone reading this familiar with what I am talking about? Your feedback is appreciated.

Work is ok. Sponsee’s are crazy, and so am I.
Just finished writing on Step 12 and realized that I did it. I did what I had committed myself to doing. Working through all 12 Steps as honestly as I could with an NA Sponsor. Reading the Step out of the NA Step Working Guide, the Step itself made more sense and I felt like I got more out of it than I have in a while. I believe I have had a Spiritual Awakening as a result of the steps. I believe my life is transformed. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect, nor will I ever be. What it means is the promise is true. It means that I have found my new way to live, I’m not searching for it anymore.

I am ok with me right now. I am ok in my life. I am so thankful for what I have and what I don’t have, it’s hard to describe to you. If you had met me or known me a few short years ago, you as well as the many that passed through my life, would not have believed this to be possible……..
Sometimes I still don’t.

Today I feel like a Human Being.

Take Care….Bob D.