This post is from July 2009…I hope you may get something out of it. Thanks for reading.

Beyond The End of the Road's Blog

Jails, Institutions, and Death.
At some meetings it is repeated as it is read. I prefer not to. Hearing it reverberate in my own head is enough.

It’s at the end of the reading “Who is an Addict?”. I am sure these 3 words are not unfamiliar with any 12 Step fellowship in one form or another. There are other words scattered through out as well…

Dereliction
Degradation
Demoralization
Unemployable
Insanity
Guilt
Shame
Relapse

I am also reminded that a relapse, if we survive it, might bring the temporary relief we are looking for. There is no guarantee even in relapse. The temporary relief that it might bring. That seems to me to be a pretty big gamble.
I have known a few addicts who are in and out, in and out, in and out.
I understand that this may be a part of someones story and for those who…

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Sex, Stream, Suicide

I was watching the story the local news carried about Tyler Clementi and the fervor surrounding the number of gay/lesbian suicides in recent weeks due to bullying, or due to their sexual preference being revealed in a manner that was inappropriate. It seems in Tyler’s case his roommates allegedly streamed live via webcam an encounter Tyler had with another man in his room.
In reality, if this had been a man and a woman I could have charged $19.95 and been called an entrepreneur, but because of what it has become we will call it suicide instead.

I have several gay friends. I consider myself open-minded. I have my own views of homosexuality, and they are just that, my views. What I am wondering is, is this a case of bullying or a case of shame? In all that I have read there seemed to be no malice between the roommates before the incident. That the roommates had told friends at home that, ‘They were glad to have found such a cool roommate (Tyler)”. Is this a case of bullying or a case of a roommate making poor decisions to spy on another roommate who had a webcam setup in the room for sometime for God knows what else (His/Her own Sex Streams) and put someone else’s junk out there to see?
In the end it seems so petty, and the loss of such a gifted young man and the countless lives that are changed all over a situation like this makes me wonder sometimes.
It makes me wonder what happened to the people I made fun of growing up? I could lie and tell you I didn’t pick on others, but I did. We didn’t have webcams or digital cameras. We had mouths that roared and stories made up to embarrass one another. We had wedgie’s and lockers stuffed with rotting banana peels. Looking back on it now it seems so foolish.
Now we have digital cameras, live steaming video, picture mail, text messaging, bogus MySpace and Facebook pages and a determination to hurt on a whole new level.
I guess what caught my attention was, these were adults, not kids, not teens, but adults in college. I can’t vouch for their maturity levels but their ages deem them adults in society. Something just isn’t coming together for me with this story, there is something amiss and I am sure more will come to light.

 My wife went to Texas to Canton. Some huge spend more of Bob’s money adventure with her Aunt. I guess it’s like a huge flea market (Help Elz) that is all the rage. So the kids and I have been left here to our own devices. David went roller skating and my daughter continues to work on carpel tunnel syndrome being on computer and texting endlessly.

My son seems to have been able to pull his grades up to at least a D the last 2 weeks of this 6 week period. He is usually a B/C student and the business of school here threw him for a loop. Schools here are all business about the business of school. What I mean is they are much more strict. It’s not that the work is any harder, I actually believe are kids to be one year ahead, it’s that every assignment, every paper has to be accounted for and when you have 2 kids with ADHD that can be a challenge.
School has always came easy for my daughter. I looked at one of her chemistry papers last night and I thought I may have to call in Homeland Security because it was a formula for a dirty bomb. Just kidding, I couldn’t make heads or tails out of it, but she got an 80% on the paper. David has always struggled and we remind him he needs to work just a little bit harder.

 Fall has finally arrived here, mid 80’s and cool in the evenings. I haven’t been getting to meetings as often as I like but I continue to have an understanding and a process of this new life here. My goal is to get into a schedule after David’s football season is over of Tuesday and Thursday meetings.

My wife wants me to go to church on Sunday, which there are an overabundance of here. There is literally a church every mile it seems. I don’t know, maybe I will go, maybe I won’t. I haven’t found it necessary to go so far. I haven’t been to church on any consistent basis in over 20 years, so I wonder why I should start now?

I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your comments as of late. I do read them and it is probably rude that I don’t, so I will make an effort to reply.

I hope this post finds you all well.
Take Care,
Bob D.

Snowboards and Suicide

Anywhere but here……

My head hurts. So much has happened in 3 days it’s like a carnival has come in and set up where my life should be.
Early dismissal on Thursday, no school on Friday so I missed work because my daughter who is 15 cannot take care of herself let alone her 11-year-old brother.
So it snowed and the city shut down like I predicted, it was pretty much a sure bet. So the kids went outside Friday night to make snow angels, or devils based on how you look at it. To play, sled on a small hill. My wife after much insistence thought it would be good for me to go outside with them.
My son has a plastic “Snowboard” if you want to call it that. It is designed to look like a snowboard but it is a piece of plastic with two plastic straps. He seemed to navigate on it just fine which led me to believe because I am older and wiser that I should be able to do the same……wrong.

After I drove my shoulder and right side into the ground, well I thought it was the ground but came to find out it was actually the sidewalk covered in 4 inches of snow, I realized I was not made for this plastic snowboard. It seems that my balance is just not all that. My daughter had a video camera and filmed the event. I was suprised it did not make it on to YouTube. Don’t ask…I’m not putting here.

The weekend went by as it does. My daughter made plans for Saturday as she does. I’m going to spare you the long drawn out details but the end results were the same as I have posted on here before.
Lies, Bad Choices, Her Flipping Out, and this time running out of the house with a pair of sweats, a tee-shirt, and no shoes out into the cold and snow. She ran to her Uncle’s house whom immediately told her to get out. He didn’t want her craziness there. She came home, caused more hell, and of course 2 hours later acted as if nothing was wrong.

I am out of ideas and quite frankly have run out of love for today.

I told my wife this morning that I believe she no longer needs to live with us. I am not sure who she is going to live with but I don’t believe it will be with us longer. I really don’t want to talk anymore about it.

During all of this nonsense my best friend Jeff called to tell me his father committed suicide yesterday.
His father decided to go to his workshop, took his false teeth out and put a gun in his mouth….His mother found him after hearing the shot.

I talked with Jeff for an hour on the phone last night. Listened, cried, and later felt like life was just too much for some, especially Jeff’s dad. It feels like it is too much now for Jeff, for me, for my family. I spoke to my sponsor last night and he said it sounded like this was just more for me to endure now for whatever reason.
I’ve never really disagreed with my sponsor before, but I didn’t like the word endure. I still don’t.

My thoughts are with Jeff’s Mom and his brothers. No one should have to endure this.

Bob D.