When I Change the Way I Look at Things…

When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change.

First and foremost a picture from the trip….

This was taken at Black Lake Bayou National Park.

I have so much to tell all of you I really don’t know where to begin. The trip down was smooth and we arrived intact. The trip had many ups and downs. Our family was happy to see us and we had plenty of laughs, there were however, some tears.
On Easter Sunday I received a call from our neighbor at 6:45 am informing me that our house was broken into. To make a long and painful story short I came to find out from the police that one of the suspects was the 18-year-old man w/child that my daughter had been wanting to date. He was caught but subsequently released because he was caught outside of our home and the evidence techs could not find any of his fingerprints because he wore gloves. 2 other suspects got away on foot.
The only positive thing to come out of this is that they were caught early enough that nothing from the house was taken. They ransacked our home and did about a thousand dollars worth of damage getting in.

I sat with a bunch of feelings and emotions over this. I wanted to blame my daughter for the actions of another person. I wanted to blame her for not listening to us about this guy in the first place. I don’t think she understood the gravity of her lack of decision-making skills until I told her what had happened, I’m not even sure she still get’s it.

I stood on the same roads I had walked on Thanksgiving but this time at night. I looked up to a million stars in the sky and I knew the answer was being provided, that I needed to take a leap of faith.

My wife and I put a deposit on a rental house in Louisiana. We will be moving in early May. I turned in my 2 week notice today at work. We have a little money saved and some of my wife’s 401k to get by on. Some people think I’m stupid for leaving and not having jobs to go to. Call me stupid, but I feel a sense of peace about life that I have never felt before. I feel confident and capable, today.

LSU has a chapter in Monroe, LA which is about 14 miles from where we will be living. I am going to enroll part-time and pick up a job to get some money rolling. My wife has 20 years of accounting in her background and I see no reason why we can’t find something.

I am continuing to write on the book and I have many plans. I feel a spirit of adventure that I haven’t felt since I was a boy. It is an incredible feeling.

I plan on posting up until the time we move then I will be taking a break to get the new place in order.

I am swamped right now just getting back but wanted to share this with you.
I will be writing soon.

Take Care…
Bob D.

Life on Hold…

I knew it was only a matter of time. When hope is smashed into a thousand broken bits there is no where for it to go but on the ground. That’s where I am at again. Laying on the ground in a broken mess. My daughter had another one of her “Behavioral Rage Moments” as I now am calling them, or in laymen terms “Unruly Child”.
She felt it necessary to throw shoes, slam doors, and call her mother a “Fucking Whore” among other things.
My daughter, after I had to physically restrain her because she tried to hit me, told me I wasn’t her Dad. That she no longer had any love for me in her heart and would no longer be calling me her Dad.

The psychiatrist told us on the phone last night during an emergency call that we should call the police. I looked at my wife and said we should probably call and my wife said no. My heart sank because it was at that moment I knew that she would never call, not that night or any other night. So I am resigning myself to the fact that we are to put our lives on hold for the next 2 years when my daughter turns 18 or until graduation. This will be the day I will tell her she is no longer welcome to stay in our house.

I suppose I am still angry. I suppose I am being harsh. No one here or anywhere has the right to judge me until they have been in my world. It’s always objective when sitting on the outside and looking in.
I can’t even take my wife out to dinner because our daughter can’t be trusted to watch the house for an hour.
Our relationship is crumbling…..My family is crumbling in front of my eyes.

Someone told me to leave it all at the feet of God. I would if I could find them. I know God is somewhere but I just don’t feel it.
I try to find the positive in all of this but can’t.
As my wife cried in my arms last night, worried about me, us, our relationship, and my resolve I told her….

I am not leaving you.
I am not going anywhere, not going to the bar. Not going to Broad and Oakley to find a hit. Not taking a pill. I’m not going to watch my daughter try to drive a wedge between my wife and I.

I feel like the stereotypical step-parent. My daughter still wants others to believe that somehow I am to blame for all of this. Elizabeth you were right, it’s not my fault. I assumed to much guilt over all of this. That somehow I am to blame for everything today. Having been clean for over 4 years and have done everything in my power to make the right decisions I can with a clear conscious look at myself in the mirror and say that.
My daughter said last night that I provided nothing, nothing in the house, nothing in the home, nothing in general. “I still don’t know why you are even here”, she said.
As my son stood screaming at the steps, my daughter out of control, and my wife crying….I wondered that very thing myself.

It’s because NA and the 12 Step Program has taught me to face my problems and not run from them (even though secretly I want to). The ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean.
I don’t believe that my situation is unique. I do believe that something is going to change, I don’t know what it is but something will.

I have no idea where to go from here. I truly feel like shit. I feel like we shouldn’t have to put our lives on hold for her.
We were at the doctor’s office this morning. The doctor told her….

Lorna….This just isn’t going to keep working for you. You need to find a different way to handle your life, express yourself, your feelings. In 2 years you are going to be in the real world. I see you hitting walls there and there will be no one to pick you up because of what you have done…….

For me this was ominous…For Lorna it was just words.
I have the feeling it’s all going to come true.

Bob D.

Casino Royale on the Westside

A quick update…..

I am feeling a little better about things. I am trying my best to stay positive about my daughter and things at home. There were a couple of times that I thought she would have one of her “Rage Moments”, but she seemed to be able to keep herself in check, and reality that is what it is, keeping herself in check. I also told her after giving her cell phone back that we go through the same patterns over and over. I may have been speaking to a wall but we will see what happens.

This past November the State of Ohio passed legislation to allow a casino developer called Penn National to build 4 casino’s in Ohio. Ohio had been steadfast for a several years against gambling and casino’s. The swing vote it seems came in the form of Governor Ted Strickland’s approach to balancing the State’s Budget by cutting every social service program and funding stream to the bone resulting in Ohio’s worst reign as Governor, in my opinion.

It’s funny, in a way, that most would say that Ohio took “A Moral Stand” against gambling for so long. I guess after everyone came to from the stupor of drinking at extravagant tailgate parties at OSU before the games, the people with power in this town saw a steady stream of Ohio residents leaving to go to neighboring states to spend their money and said…”Hey, let’s get this party started here!!!

Well the statewide vote passed and low and behold the decision was rendered to build a casino in Columbus close to Nationwide Arena, home of the Columbus Blue Jackets of the NHL. Until….some folks said…..Maybe not in this exact spot. Long story being short, a new site was announced yesterday…..

The Westside of Columbus Where I Live!!!

Now you may thing I am angry or being sarcastic, and in reality I am not. I am overjoyed, I am ecstatic! Finally, something is coming to my side of town that will bring some damn revenue in. Some would say, “Aren’t you being a little optimistic about this? Aren’t you worried about the things that casino’s allegedly bring? Crime, Prostitution, Drugs, Pawn Shops????

WE ALREADY HAVE THAT NOW FROM NOT HAVING ANY REVENUE FOR THE LAST 15 DAMN YEARS.

I am 100% for this. Anyone with a brain and eyes can see what my side of town has turned into. Storefronts gone, houses boarded up. Something, Anything…Has to help.

I will be the first in line to vote the amendment through, and will gladly volunteer to help get the support needed to get this done.

Take Care…
Bob D.