A Steamer Trunk of Fear

‘When at the end of the road we find we can no longer function as human beings either with or without drugs, what is there left to do?’

It seems I have made it somewhat, ‘Beyond the End of the Road’. I can say this because I have the ability today to function without drugs. I couldn’t have said that just a short time ago, but I can today. This is where the title of my blog came from, a quote from the NA Textbook.

I haven’t been to a meeting in a while. The last meeting I tried to go to was about 3 weeks ago. The door was locked and the lights were out. I sat in my car and questioned myself. Maybe question isn’t a good term, I took an inventory of myself. I began to ask, do I really need to go to meetings anymore? I have no sponsor, I have no homegroup, I have my Higher Power, My Book, and My Desire…..Are they enough to carry me?

Realistically the long-term answer is no. I feel that I have a decent understanding of myself, my motives, and my disease. I also have the uncanny ability to lie to myself. I can tell myself things are ok and they aren’t. I can tell myself things are bad and they really aren’t. I guess my point is when I am left to counsel myself in matters of my thinking and behavior I am, well, biased.

All that being said, a lack of motivation has set in. Apathy if you will. I had this in my work career recently as well. Telling my boss I was content in moving boxes and almost passing up this promotion. I’ve done it in learning the town. I have been here almost a year and can still barely get around. What this is, is my inability to be willing to invest myself emotional to things here and I don’t know why. Maybe somewhere in my sub-conscience I have the idea that it’s not worth it, or I don’t want to take risks, or whatever. Now that I know what it is I have to move past this….this fear.

Is that it…..Fear? Fear of what? Fear of acceptance….Fear of success? I know that all of my life I have carried fear with me like a worn out steamer trunk. That nagging feeling that it really isn’t worth it, so why bother? I am a decent person today, I try. I try to do what is right, not for the pat on the back, but because I did just the opposite I feel that it is owed. It is owed to myself, the people in my life, and my HP.

Fear of not getting it right.

I have to remind myself we all live this life breath to breath. Mistakes will be made, things said that shouldn’t have been, decisions made based on shaky motives. In the end….as long as I haven’t used it is all really a success. I am too hard on myself, my worst judge, jury, and executioner. My mind will tell me all is lost, my world is falling apart, and when I step back and look…it isn’t.   

My kids are ok. My wife is ok, and the new dog is a pain in the ass. The weather here this past week has been frightening. My heart aches for those in Alabama who lost so much and I don’t mean a house or a car. It’s like what the President said, ‘We can’t bring back those who were lost, but we can grieve with you’.

My wife and I rode that night out holding our breath. I have never seen storms like that. They swept along the I-20 corridor one after another. Our house shook from the thunder and wind. Having satellite we would lose signal and I kept our radio close. Being it was at night there was really no way to know until it was on top of us. There are no sirens here, just the weather man who lets us know if there is rotation in cells and approximately where they are. I feel very fortunate today.

After the storm moved through here they went on to Miss, and then into Ala. We didn’t know how bad it was because information here via television is sporadic at best. The local news here to be honest…sucks. It wasn’t until I got to CNN I saw what happened. There was flooding and power outages. Our town was fortunate we only lost 2 people. It could have been worse.

School is almost out and summer is almost here. I’d like to take a ‘Holiday’ for all my friends across the pond, or a vacation as we call it here. But I don’t think it is in the cards. I should know something about the new place in a few days. I hope this all falls into place. It’s something both my wife and I have been working towards for a year now.

I hope this post finds you all well. For those who are struggling, questioning, and stumbling….Don’t worry….The end of the road is in sight.

Peace.
Bob D.

There are 2 Kinds of Crazy

Charles Manson
John Hinkley
David Koresh
Steve Martin
ALF
Spongebob Squarepants

Charlie Sheen

Wait this isn’t the Charlie Sheen I’m talking about….I mean this one.

 

This kind of crazy I know. This kind of crazy is like a bad car wreck, no one likes it, but everyone stares at it. This kind of crazy is called addiction.

The Spider, The Frog, and The Fair

At night I have become accustomed to seeing all sorts of critters and varmints. Noises and bumps in the night here in Louisiana. Sometimes in sitting outback I will see any assortment of bugs, frogs, and the like just going about their business.

There is a spider by my back door that I have been watching. Diligently she spins a web and catches things to eat. I noticed the other night how large she was getting and then the cocoon was made. I knew it wouldn’t be long as she would lay her eggs. I had forgotten that soon after she does this, the spider, dies.

I saw her sitting quietly in the web, not moving, and for a moment something washed over me…..The simplicity and complexity of life….all in the same breath. I wondered if other people saw the things I do, or if they feel the same way, or are they too caught up in the doldrums of existence to see one small spider?

 There are tree frogs that love to cling to the siding on our place. I think because the siding is cool at night. They just sit and watch me, sometimes giving out a croak as to acknowledge my existence to them. I have seen several and find them relaxing. Salamanders on the other hand seem to crawl and stop to see if I am worthy of climbing on. I have seen a few that are pretty big, but take no real interest in me.

I set up our telescope out back as the moon has been full and brilliant at night here for the past week. A front rolled through last night and it rained. I think the skies will be clear tonight and it is supposed to get cool which may hold the mosquitoes at bay.

We went to the ArkLaMiss fair last night which was ok, but rather small and expensive. I am looking more forward to the State Fair in Shreveport at the end of October. In going to the fair I had memories of us going to the Ohio State Fair and the good times we had there. When I laid down last night I found myself homesick yet again. I told myself there are a million new memories to be made here if I am open-minded about it.

I went to another AA meeting on Thursday and I spoke for the first time. I was extremely nervous and told folks that I was new to the area and commented on the 1st three steps. I spoke in general recovery terms as I have no working knowledge of AA’s Steps or Traditions. They are similar to NA but also different. I learned a long time ago, when you are in someone elses house, you respect the house you’re in, so I made no specific reference to things but was able to convey my feelings on the topic.

I had a couple of people come up to me after the meeting and talk for a moment or two, but I still remained guarded. I’ve been guarded since I got here. I feel a little more comfortable but just not yet ‘at home’.
I continue to work, pray, and talk to my HP. I continue to balk at certain things as well. Progress…..not perfection is the goal.

I hope this post finds you all well.

Sweet 16 Lorna Doone

Today is my daughter’s 16th birthday. I’d like to think I’ve been a good dad. Part of me says yes and other parts of me say no. I remember at the end of my using my wife telling me the same things I resented my father for, I was doing to my children. This has stayed with me; that unless I was the one to break the cycle, that it would continue.

Some of you have read long enough to know my daughter has a ‘mental illness’. I’ve been told she has ADD, ADHD, BiPolar Disorder, Rage Disorder, and Aspergers Syndrome. To be honest with you I don’t know what she has or doesn’t have anymore, maybe she just has a lot of rebellious teen in her. The frightening part is she reminds me of me.

There have been days of complete bliss that I longed would never end with her. There have also been days of complete anger and frustration as I have sat and cried and wondered where my daughter has went. Since she turned 13 it has all been a slow downhill ride with her. We have endured 3 years worth of behavior that should have driven me crazy, but it hasn’t. I haven’t used over it. It has been during these times I believe I have experienced my greatest growth.

Happy Birthday my sweet Lorna, you are still my little girl no matter how big of a pain in the ass you can be!

Book Excerpt #2: Chapter 2-When?

Here is an excerpt from a draft of Chapter 2-When?

I will see you all in about 10 days. Take care of yourselves and I will talk to you all soon.

Chapter 2

When?

Fantasy is the alternate universe to reality that addicts live in. Projection is having events play out in my mind the way I feel they should be. Expectation is the unrealistic agenda that addicts measure other people, places, and things with. All of these contribute to the disease in a way that raises the addict’s ego while lowering their self-esteem and self-worth through feelings of self-pity, guilt, and remorse. It sounds complex and unbelievable at the same time, but these are the feelings that are common to most addicts.

The reality I was facing seemed like a steep mountain. I would soon be leaving the confines of a treatment facility to return back to the circumstances of my life. The fear of facing life, my inability to deal with life and my own emotions and feelings soon closed in on me. A million questions ran through my mind. What if this happens? When will this happen? What if so and so shows up? Over and over the constant obsessive thoughts that are based in fear, anger, and guilt are the driving force that leads to early relapse from those that leave treatment.

*********

I think it was summer, or maybe spring. It’s foggy now. I see him standing on the side porch. My dad, with a suitcase. I had been out with friends. I see his old American Rambler sitting, idling. As I walked up to him I see a bag of canned goods beside him. He looks at me and says, “Your mother has asked me to leave.” I looked at him and said, “Ok.” He tells me, “I never fucking left you, don’t ever say that, ok?” “I never left.”

But you did leave……I was 13.

This event I can say was a pivotal moment in my life. I realize today that my mother could not take anymore of my father’s nonsense. She had put up with it for years. I could tell you stories of endless fights, emotional and verbal abuse, moving from one town to another, and bankruptcy. I don’t understand all of the decisions that were made for me as a child, but I know that my parents aren’t to blame for the way I turned out. I guess there were times in my life it felt like I didn’t have a voice or no one listened to me.

It felt like I was tossed to the side by the events of life. This is when I made the decision not to feel anymore. It almost seems clear now that it was a conscious decision of a frightened boy hell-bent on destruction, self-destruction. I had tried drugs before this, drinks here and there. I tried drugs when I lived in Florida shortly before this event, but this life marker, this age of 13 is when I began to use on a regular basis and it would continue until I was 36 years old. I would stop maturing at this point in my life. From this point forward, I no longer cared what life had to offer, except how high I could get at anyone else’s expense.

I never used socially. I want to make that clear and upfront. It may have seemed at times when I appeared to be in control, but I never really was. This is an illusion that addicts convince themselves of on a daily basis, that they have some control over it no matter how despicable the act or how far we let ourselves go. I know of addicts who are still using today, spanning over 30 years of use whom believe they still have control. It’s a mindfuck.

I see myself in my mind’s eye. I was a punk, I’m chuckling to myself at the moment because I thought I was something special, but in reality I was a punk. I see myself with that silly mullet haircut! Good Lord, the 80’s were difficult weren’t they?!? Most of the time I was in some sort of trouble, with someone or something. Sometimes I would want to be alone to the point of isolation and other times I wanted so many people around me for comfort I would carry a crowd. Most of all I was in pain. I see that today. I was confused, angry, hurt, and lonely. I never told anyone how I really felt about anything, ever.

**********

I climbed into the van. The silence was deafening. I tried to kiss her but she turned her check to me. Figures, I said to myself. This is bullshit. I knew she would act this way, and I bet the kids are going to be off the fucking hook too. My wife had come to pick me up from treatment. These are the 2 things that stand out to me vividly; the silence and the colors of the world; I don’t know which one was more a slap in the face than the other.
I have spoken to literally thousands of addicts in detox facilities. It never ceases to amaze me the numbers that are lined up to call loved one’s at home to let them know “How well they are doing in detox.” This constant need for outside validation. I mean, what is a loved one supposed to say? “Great job for going to rehab?” “I will be there for your graduation!” No one graduates from detox or rehab, we just move forward and do what we should have been doing all along.

The colors of the world still bring tears to my eyes at times. I have had the opportunity to see a few sights while clean and nothing compares to a Gulf Coast Sunset or an early morning sunrise on the bayou. Riding in that van the colors were like when Dorothy stepped out of the house into the Land of Oz. It was surreal and frightening. To think I was this blind, this clouded?

Copyright 2010, RLD Holdings, Ltd.

Book Excerpt #1 Chapter 1:Why?

Here is an excerpt of a rough draft for Chapter 1 of a book I am currently working on:

I am escorted through the building to a detoxification ward. I am searched, and shown a small room with a bed and a night stand. I sit down with my bag, and a picture. It is a picture of my 2 children sitting on Santa’s lap from the mall. It had been taken a few weeks prior. There is a note from my daughter that I still keep to this day that begins, “Dad, I don’t know if I will get to see you for Christmas……”

********** 

The reality of life floods my soul as tears begin to drop on the picture. What have I done? I muttered to myself. You are worthless, you deserve to be dead. Why don’t you just leave this place and do what you have always done? You are a failure anyway; just go crawl back to the hole you came from. My mind is on overload, the room begins to spin. Then as God does, he places someone in my life when the timing is right.

A nurse walks past my door and looks in. She said these words that continue to have a profound impact on my life. “Are you going to just sit there and suffer in silence or are you going to get about to living again?” I sat there stunned, and mumbled something unintelligible. As quickly as she appeared, she disappeared and I fell on the floor. I grabbed the edge of the bed and mumbled these words, “God, if you will help me, I will try.” I passed out and wouldn’t wake up for 2 days.

Now before anyone jumps to visions of rapture, healing, and divine intervention I would ask you to consider the following. I had not tried honestly to do anything, for anyone, let alone myself in years. The room did not fill with a bright light nor did I hear the voice of God, I was praying out of desperation to something I didn’t even believe in anymore. I had asked God for help in the past, selfish help. You know, God get me out of this, or God give me that, but I had never honestly asked God for help.

God and I had become disenfranchised years ago. I had even studied at one point in time to become a minister. I became bitter towards the church due to my addiction and the personalities that I found there. I didn’t feel like I fit in no matter how hard I prayed, no matter how hard I read the Bible, no matter how hard I portrayed myself to be an upstanding man of God’s word. It wasn’t enough. The reoccurring theme that has prevailed through my life. Whatever avenues I sought while still having a clouded mind, body, and spirit were never enough.

I am sure I will touch upon the God subject throughout this book. For those who don’t believe in God, it’s cool. When I first heard of God in recovery I thought of Charlton Heston. That’s the truth. I was trapped in ideas gathered from my childhood. I have come to understand God is more what I don’t understand than what I do.

“You’re Bob, right?” John asked me. John was my counselor in treatment. A straight up big black dude with dreads. This isn’t going to work, I said to myself. You see I was raised in a prejudicial environment and taught that all blacks were trash. I wish I had a better way to put it, but that’s the way it was. It’s something that I am not proud of, nor is it my thought process today. I wondered how is it I am supposed to talk to him. How is it I am going to relate to him? We are worlds apart. We are different. I am better than him, even sitting in detox my ego so large and dominant almost allowed me to miss the most important message I would receive while in treatment; that I was not unique.  So as I sat with this guy and he tells me to talk to him about what was going on. He asked me, “Who is Bob and why it is you are here?”

“Why am I here?” How did it get to this point? I’m not even sure. It seemed like it took forever for my life to get to this point and now someone has hit the fast forward button on me. Twenty years worth of drug use and bullshit can have that effect on a person. I began to tell him about what I had been doing, I’m still not sure why. I guess I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. Pain is the greatest motivating factor not only for the using addict but the recovering addict as well. When the pain becomes great enough, the addict will do something.

John looked at me as I sat and cried. I hadn’t cried like this in years. He looked and listened and only said two words to me. He said, “I know”. He told me a little of his story, a little of his life, and I soon realized he did know, he did understand. John was a recovering addict. The basic building block to understanding for the addict is empathy, not sympathy. Empathy can be the driving force that sparks an initial desire for something different in the using addict’s life.

What I realized was that I was not as alone as I thought I was even for that brief moment. Our feelings had paralleled just enough that it affected my spirit. I still felt like shit, had a ton of guilt, had a million feelings, and was at the lowest point in my life but I would soon realize that when all seems lost, there is really nothing left to loose at all.

 **********

Copyright 2010 RLD Holdings, Ltd.

You Know My Face…Right?

I am standing outside of where I work this morning and a car rolls up in the alley. It is a beater or Hoopde’ as it is known in these parts.
It slows down and stops. Not unusual. The guy rolls down the window and yells out to me, “You know my face, right?” “You know me.”
I reply back, “I know you Jake”….

Jake is the son of a mutual friend of my wife and I. I wrote about him a couple of months back. He had went to treatment and called me a couple of times. His Dad called to thank me for speaking to him. I used to party with his dad and he is aware I am in recovery now.
So Jake gets out of this car, and hugs me. He tells me he is getting ready to go back to meetings, that all he is doing is “Smoking some tree”, and let everything else go. That he is scared because he has been escalating physically towards his girlfriend and his dad.
I tell him that it would be great if he went back to meetings. He tells me he saw me the other day but didn’t think it was me. “I was thinking of the 90’s looking Bob”. I’m sure he meant it as a compliment.

He hugs me again and I tell him good luck, and by the way Jake you might want to brush all the dope off the front of your shirt……

I stepped back and turned away, angry. I brushed my own shirt off. The front of him was literally covered in dope.
Why did I hug him I thought to myself. Why didn’t I just turn away or offer my hand for a handshake?
Sometimes a simple, loving hug can make all the difference.
I hope it did today.

I went inside and did some work. The conversation with Jake has stuck with me. That initial feeling of anger and I’m still not sure why.

I went to my daughters psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I find it odd that at the beginning there were all of these “issues” that seem to center around me and my drug use causing our family problems and now there has been no mention of it.
We talked about the 18 year-old (whom my wife is sure she is till talking to in some manner) and how he was told not to come back. We talked about Lorna’s volume level in conversation’s and how that can be worked on. We also talked about diet and exercise. My daughter has gained some weight due to the medication she is on, but she has been also eating non-stop.
I have went over labels, serving sizes, ingredients, and healthy snacks and with a 15 year-old it all went in one ear and out the other.

The doctor had asked how her behavior had been, if we had anymore altercations and we haven’t. Just her loud demeanor and not wanting to get out of bed, but I believe it to be typical teenage nonsense.

I have no news about moving. Our trip is at the end of next week.

I have and still am taking feedback on possibly writing a book. A friend on here, Lynsey, reminded me that starting a book is the easy part, it is finishing it that is difficult.
She reminded me I have written a large majority here on this site. I have blogged consistently for about 3 years here and on another site. I believe I have more than enough material and experience. The concept would not be a confessional book ala James Frey about how terrible I was and poof, I am all better, but more about the day-to-day feelings and thoughts being a recovering person in society today.
I believe, in this generation, we are at a crossroads on how addiction is being viewed, the treatment options, and how this affects society as a whole.
Addiction has been present since the beginning of man in one form or another.
From habitants of primal tribes chewing local plants, to earliest forms of medicines. From troops returning from WWII addicted to morphine, to the experimentalists of the 60’s. The crack epidemic of the 80’s and now the resurgence of opiates, it has always been with us. I believe in this day and age of “Instant Access” we have grown into a society of “Instant Addiction”.
The problems are many and obvious, but the solutions still seem to elude us.

We could have arguments and debates all day on whether or not addiction is a disease, or if 12 Step Programs are cults, but at the end of the day this is the reality:

Today someone will die from addiction.
Today someone will try a drug for the first time.
Today someone will get clean.
Today someone will realize they are a human being.

Take Care…
Bob D.

 

Those Boys were just here 5 minutes ago….

As the smoke was pouring out of the back kitchen window I asked the neighbor if there was anyone inside. She hollered, “They have 2 little boys, they were just here outback like 5 minutes ago”.
I knew that if I didn’t do something I wouldn’t be able to live with myself for not trying…..

Before I tell you the story, I am not a hero. I don’t want anyone to think I did anything that anyone else wouldn’t have done.
I picked up my son on Wednesday and we arrived home with the usual desire to play video games. As I walked around our car port I noticed some smoke from the next row of condos over from us. I thought at first someone had just lit a grill, it was fairly warm that day.
Then the smell hit me. I had smelled this before, smoke from a house fire.

When I was 17 I was still living at home and working a part-time night job. One night while at work my parents came to inform me that our trailer had burnt down. My step father glared at me.
“You were the last one in there, did you leave a cigarette burning” he asked.
No. I was sure I wasn’t.
“Your going to have to find someplace to stay, we have nothing left”, I was told.
I went to a friends and went there the next morning. There was absolutely nothing left. Everything was gone.
I remember the smells of burnt clothing, wood, plastics. Water dripping and finding a couple of shirts and a pair of pants…that was it. 
I was blamed for that fire for the next few days until the Fire Departments report came in. The hot water tank had ruptured and caused an electrical short.
No one ever apologized, not even to this day.

So when I realized this place was on fire I saw a lady standing on the corner. As I ran to the condo I told her to call the fire department. There was a car outback of the place and I ran through the gate. Smoke was pouring out of the kitchen window. I beat on the sliding glass door and could see nothing inside. I came back out of the back area when I saw the neighbor and she informed me of the 2 boys. I ran back to the back door and put my shoulder into it. Nothing, I did it 2 more times until the entire sliding glass door gave way and fell inward into the kitchen.
I was greeted with a large amount of smoke. I got as low as I could and started to holler if anyone was in there. I listened and heard nothing. I tried to crawl inside but the smoke was so thick I could barely see two feet in front of me. I hollered several more times and heard nothing.
I began to hear glass popping out of the windows and I saw flames dancing across the kitchen ceiling. I knew if I went in any further I would not make it out. In less than a minute and a half it had went from smoldering to fully involved in front of my eyes.

The fire department arrived and asked if there was anyone inside. I told them I was told there were 2 kids in the area but did not know if they were inside or not. The fireman made quick work of getting in and putting the fire out. Fortunately the boys weren’t inside. The had went for a walk with the mother down at a small park where I live. I was told later that a dog was pulled out and revived, and the cause of the fire was candles burning left unattended. Here are 2 pictures a neighbor took.

 

I went home quietly and full of emotion as I was glad that no one was hurt. Our neighborhood is taking up a collection for these folks as they have lost everything, except the family dog.

We went to our daughter’s doctors appointment yesterday. We talked about the 18-year-old boyfriend and how we did not approve and felt she needed to break it off. There were a lot of tears and some resistance from Lorna. The doctor sat with us as we talked through it and tried to make some sense of it all.  Lorna told us that she was going to break it off. We will see. I know the guy is not welcome at our house.

My wife’s mother called last night and said our family had put a bid on the house down south. I’m not sure what to make of it all.

I did find out that our rent is going up in April. Dues have been raised and it’s not worth the amount to me, so I guess it’s just another hint of doing the right thing.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.
Take Care…Bob D.

Horoscopes and Decisions

So I was on the phone with my wife and she old me that all of this was predicted. I suddenly felt like today was the day, the day my wife had lost her mind. I was formulating plans on how to get her the proper help she would need when she told me, ” I read it in my horoscope”. My wife not one for tea leaves or tarot cards caught me off guard. I read the print out and it specifically said we would be talking and making decisions about changing where we live. I was shocked. Maybe I’ll read it more often.

 We have made a decision to move. It will either be in another part of Columbus or it will be Louisiana, one or the other. We are going to Louisiana the first part of April to look at some things. I picked up an apartment and house guide for Columbus and we are going to look at areas this weekend. I spoke to my sponsor and told him what was going on. I told him it feels like I am doubting my own decision making capabilities. It’s like, I’ve been given the privilege to think again but I want to doubt myself based on my past rack record of poor decisions.
We talked about checking motives, looking at the pro’s and con’s, and open communication. I feel better about things now than I ever have.

 My daughter asked last night when she could see this guy again she has been seeing. My wife was ill last night and I told her I wasn’t making a decision about it right now. My heart tells me that I should tell her, you can forget about seeing this bozo again. I am afraid at what her reactions will be. To be honest I just don’t want to deal with her bullshit about it. I think that’s what my response to her would be. I don’t want to hear your bullshit about this, I said no and that’s it. You can scream, cry, and carry on all you want but it’s not going to change anything, it’s time to grow up. I am trying to wait to address it tomorrow when she has her next doctor’s appointment so that we can have a 3rd party there that will hopefully be a voice of reason.

The guy who asked me to sponsor him called yesterday. It was the first time he had called me. We talked for a bit. He said he had been working up the courage to call. I laughed a bit and told him I remember saying something like that to my sponsor which I hope put him at ease.

I hope you enjoy your day.
Next post a little humor on deck. You’ve heard of “Pants on the Ground”? This is the opposite.

Take Care…..Bob D.

Flashes and Glimpses of all that’s fair…..

I found out 3 things via the Internet last night:

1) My daughter is an habitual liar.
2) My daughter confirmed she is no longer a virgin.
3) My daughter’s 18 year-old boyfriend also has a 7 month old baby.

To receive one of these was hard, but all 3 in a 10 minute time span is overwhelming.

I came from a meeting last night greeted by my wife asking me to sit and the computer and read these emails from our daughter to her friends. It appears she left her Facebook page up and my wife looked at some things.
She had told her friend the reason she no longer has text messaging on her phone is because she was in a fight at Wal-Mart and was arrested and that was her punishment from her parents.
Her texting was taken away because of inappropriate messages and requests for pictures from boys.

She had an email from another guy asking her if she was a virgin and she told him no. The conversation then turned to what her favorite sex position was and if he “could hit dat”.
My stomach turned.

The last one was with her friend in regards to this guy she has been “seeing”. It seems he has a 7 month old baby.
We had a long conversation last night. I remained as calm as possible, and tried to stay on track. Basically our daughter tried to dismiss what we were saying, trying to turn it into something it’s not. I tried to keep the conversation focused. I tried to get my daughter to see that all of this is well, fucking crazy.
It is lie after lie with her. My wife, distraught, looked at me last night and said, “Bob, I don’t even know who our own daughter is anymore. There is something seriously wrong with her.”

I believe the reason Lorna lies is acceptance. She is willing to do anything for it. This is a dangerous thing. I am convinced this is a pattern that her mother and I cannot break alone, Lorna is going to have to learn some hard lessons in order to see that lying is not the way.
I tried to talk to her in a context that she could understand. I asked her to try to look at the bigger picture and where this guy, his child, and her all came together. Her mother, on the other hand, is sitting in the chair making threats about never seeing him again which I know will only drive her away.
My only hope is Lorna will see this in a different light.

I had a guy ask me to sponsor him last night. I said yes and went thru my usual stuff with him.
The meeting last night was about the 3rd Tradition and a topic of living with someone who is not an addict or not in recovery. I have experience on this and did my best to relay what I knew. It sounded contrived. I think it’s because I am talking, not sharing. I could have handled it much more differently than what I did. I guess I sounded like I am better than, and I’m not. I think this has been a problem with me, not talking from the heart as of late and I don’t know why.

My wife spoke to some of her relatives about the house. It seems that the owner lives out-of-state and has not been there to look over the property. So things are on hold. I definitely am going to talk to my wife tonight about formulating a plan to move, whether there or somewhere else here in Columbus.

Some strange things have been going on this week. I have been thinking about or having flashes from past events. I thought of the band I was in for 5 years, the clubs I played in. I thought of an argument I had with my uncle, who is now deceased and how that was left undone. I thought about a guy I used to hang around when I was a teenager. Flashes and glimpses of things. It’s odd, I try not to think of the past as much. Not out of guilt because I could have a pity party all day long. I’m glad life isn’t fair. If life were fair I would be dead, in jail for life, or in a mental institution.
The only fair I know of is the State Fair, and it won’t be here until August.

Take Care…Bob D.