How do you feel???

Most days I take feeling for granted. There are days that will live in my memories as both extraordinary, difficult, rewarding, desperate, and a multitude of other words that escape me. Rarely do I sit down and ask myself, “How do you feel?”
Maybe I should do it more often. I usually find I am doing better than what I think. It seems my mind and emotions will allow me to believe on any given day that the end of the world is right around the corner. Our literature reminds me that the principles found in the 12 Steps are to help me deal with the pain and confusion of life or everyday living.
The more I think about it, it kind of seems like an odd but true statement. Somewhere in the way my thinking is wired or through learned behavior patterns, life seems to be painful and confusing. Granted it’s not all the time or my perception of things is slowly changing over time.

I had people tell me my whole life I shouldn’t think or feel a certain way about things. How in the hell can I tell someone how to feel? My thoughts, though off base, are simply that. My thoughts. It is when those thoughts and feelings are driven on impulse, on obsession, on compulsion I am in trouble. I haven’t died from any feeling I’ve had, and my thoughts unless acted on are just random bits of nonsense.

When was the last time you asked yourself….How do I feel today?

Today I feel tired and worried. Tired from staying up too late. I took the kids to see Monday Night Raw (WWE) last night. We had fun.
I am worried because the business partner that is supposed to loan me the money I had previously written about, well, is in trouble himself. I don’t know or possible won’t know the story but it has to do with money.
I have to sit down with my bills and look at doing what I should have done in the first place…..Be Responsible.
I will work it out. I just need to sit down and work some numbers.

My wife and I went to our new psychiatrist yesterday. We gave her some background info on our daughter. We have another appointment tomorrow. After an hours worth of questions, the doctor asked us if we had ever heard of Asperger’s Syndrome. I am unfamiliar with it and am just now starting to read on the subject. This new doctor believes that my daughter has been misdiagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and is leaning towards Asperger’s. I have read just a small amount on it and some of the symptoms listed make more sense and fit more than the BiPolar Disorder does. Is anyone reading this familiar with what I am talking about? Your feedback is appreciated.

Work is ok. Sponsee’s are crazy, and so am I.
Just finished writing on Step 12 and realized that I did it. I did what I had committed myself to doing. Working through all 12 Steps as honestly as I could with an NA Sponsor. Reading the Step out of the NA Step Working Guide, the Step itself made more sense and I felt like I got more out of it than I have in a while. I believe I have had a Spiritual Awakening as a result of the steps. I believe my life is transformed. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect, nor will I ever be. What it means is the promise is true. It means that I have found my new way to live, I’m not searching for it anymore.

I am ok with me right now. I am ok in my life. I am so thankful for what I have and what I don’t have, it’s hard to describe to you. If you had met me or known me a few short years ago, you as well as the many that passed through my life, would not have believed this to be possible……..
Sometimes I still don’t.

Today I feel like a Human Being.

Take Care….Bob D.

Updates….

I’ve listened to “Empire State of Mind” with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. It’s a catchy tune that I just can’t get out of my mind. I’ve been to New York a couple of times. I didn’t really think though that the city made me feel “Brand New” and the lights blinded me and not “Inspire Me”.

I’m not that big a fan of rap. I can listen to it. Some of it is ok, some of it is shit, just as all music is. There are pieces of classical music I can listen to and feel moved, and there are others that are too off tempo and crammed with unintelligible continuity.

I love music. The thing with music that I have learned is that I always associate a memory with a song. Some believe that music, among other things, are triggers for addicted people. If my whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another, then everything is a trigger. I believe certain memories, places, songs, are just stronger than others.

I worked out a deal with a business partner to borrow some money to pay off the credit cards I blogged about previously. I sat down with him and was honest about the situation. It will be easier to pay him one payment than pay on 3 that aren’t going anywhere.

Things at home have calmed down for the time being. I’m not holding my breath over anything. we have been in this pattern before. Things are good for a couple of weeks and we end up right back in the same spots. We have tried to keep my daughter busy, giving her little time for bad decision-making to take over.

My son, whom had sleep problems due to nightmares, seems to be doing ok. He has been more pleasant in going to bed and waking up in the mornings. The last 3 day weekend was difficult but he had stayed the night with a friend on Saturday and I believe they stayed up half that night and slept in Sunday causing him not to be tired and he just wanted to stay up and play video games.

A recovery thought today came at lunch when discussing behavior. One fo the guys I was with felt his behavior was unacceptable, especially because this person was in recovery. I reminded him I was in recovery, and my behavior wasn’t always acceptable, but it also didn’t give me an excuse to do whatever I wanted then blame it on being an addict. You know the accountability factor.

Hope all is well with you.
Take Care…Bob D.

And they cried in the streets…….

I am sure there are a million bloggers going on about the tragedy in Haiti now. There are pleas from the American Red Cross, The Salvation Army, and even Wyclif Jean for money. But sometimes a picture does more than what a tweet, text, or FaceBook update can do…..

They cried in the streets…The end of the world has come…God Save Us.

On a more personal note……

I cried yesterday at a meeting.
I cried this morning in the parking lot of a UDF. I cried out loud to God, what it is that he wants me to do? How to go about this. I tried again this morning to talk to my daughter about things and it ended terribly. It ended with her telling me as long as “I don’t make her mad” everything will be ok.
As she got out of the car I watched my hope, my very being leave my body. I am powerless over this. I realized this as I screamed into the phone at my wife, taking my frustrations out on her. Justifying what I was saying based on anger. The Text tells me that anger is my reaction to my present reality. Right now my present reality and grip on life is not good.

My wife cried over the phone. Telling me I was giving up, that she was worried about me. That I was leaving her, that I wanted to get rid of my daughter. That I had given up on them.
This broke my heart and has sent me into a tailspin.
Crying in the streets isn’t limited to Haiti.

I’m supposed to meet with a guy about helping me with the credit cards I overspent on. This has been on my mind as well.
I guess most of the pain I am in is self-induced one could say. Maybe not. The point being is that right now…..I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. That’s the way I feel. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do now……

Russian Brides, The Cold, and Money

Hello Bob….It’s Elenna from Siberia again. Travel Agent has set up email for me to you I talk. Mother is unhappiness with me because America I want to come. Am looking for man to stay with instead of rent room. You will like me, I like sex, and am good woman……

This is a sample of the barrage of emails I received on a private account from an alleged “Mystery Woman from Siberia”. I played along for the first couple of emails (Cause I’m Sick) just to see where it would go and it went exactly where I thought it would…..Money. After a long and desperate sob story and a promise of love/sex upon arrival all I needed to do was wire money via Western Union to a location in Russia. Well I looked this scam up on Google and to my surprise found the womans correspondence with several other folks. Pictures, emails, the whole nine yards. It was quite interesting to see how elaborate it all was.

It has been cold here like much of the country. It hasn’t gotten any warmer than 25 during the day (not counting the wind chill) and it has been in the single digits at nights. It has snowed everyday. Not a driving or heavy snow, just enough to get an inch everyday and feel it on your face when I am outside. The wind is the worst. They are calling for 2-5 inches of snow here tomorrow which unfortunately for this stuck in the middle of somewhere Midwest is enough to shut the city down.

Money….It seems that my 2 credit cards that I have used for mad money are over the limit and racking up some kind of fee’s. Chase called me this morning (My statement isn’t due until 1/16) wanting to know when I was sending my payment in. I told the fellow on the other end not until the day it shows due on the statement. To this he replied. “Well the amount is now different”. I told him that’s not my fault. I haven’t charged anything on the card in 3 months in order to pay it down but can’t because they keep charging me for being over 5 fucking dollars. They told me they are not going to penalize me for the next 3 months while I try to get this paid down. I posted several months back I shredded all 3 of my cards and having been paying on them but the damage is already done. I haven’t told my wife because I don’t want to stress her out and I got myself into this mess and I want to be able to get out of it on my own. I can see I am going to have to really buckle down to do so, but I am determined on doing it.

I was reading the 12th Step last night I have a better understanding of what the term “Spiritual Awakening” does and does not mean to me. There are some that would have you believe that it is some plane of existence that few are able to reach or achieve. To me simply, it is what our literature refers to as an active change in our thoughts and actions. It doesn’t mean my motives are constantly pure or I don’t screw up because I do. It means that I continue to put in the effort in all areas of my life, just not try to look like a Spiritual God in meetings or talk down to people. I’m no different from when I walked in the door of NA 4 plus years ago to a degree. I am still a recovering addict trying my best to live life, no more-no less.

It has been extremely busy at work with deadlines and commitments.
My son was able to go to bed and stay in bed last night with little to no problems and was pretty easy-going this morning. He had a field trip today and I was packing his lunch I thought of another day of ups and downs. When I got to work I was riding the elevator and closed my eyes, asking God as I understand God to be for a little help this day. It can’t hurt anything, can it?

Take Care….Bob D.